Dear Julie:
What an interesting post! Here is my input: I agree with the psychologist. You did great work after your last relationship ended, before you met your current boyfriend. There is work though that needs to be done IN THE CONTEXT of a safe relationship, work that cannot be done alone. If your relaionship now is safe, your bf trustworthy, loving and willing, if you are both in a win-win attitude about the relationship (both helping and being helped)- then it is the place to continue the healing work you have already started.

Do apply EAR: Empathy, Assertiveness and Respect to all your communications with your boyfriend. Even when you feel angry with him- and you are not into feeling empathy for him, behave respectfully to him. All the time, not taking breaks from being respectful to him. That includes not being abusive to him verbally or physically. All this while you expect respect from him at all time: no verbal or physical abuse.

Regarding the naked photos: there are a few issues to it in my view: the sending of naked photos to his phone needs not happen again. He needs to let her know it is not appropriate to send naked, sexually suggestive photos to an unavailable man (or to any…). If she keeps sending such to him, he should cut contact with her because that would mean she doesn’t respect him. His unwillingness to choose between you and her may only mean that he does not want his FREEDOM taken away by you and I can understand that.

See, when he doesn’t want to choose between you and her may not at all mean that she is or could be more important to him than you are, but that he doesn’t want you to have this kind of power over him, that he is rebelling against being submissive to you. You may want to ask him why etc. As long as you ask him in a none threatening way, in an open way, he will tell you how he feels and thinks, I hope.

Continuing your healing in the context of this relationship is a great opportunity and I hope you take it. I hope you share with him your vulnerable self, your honest feelings and no matter how angry you feel- keep it respectful at all times (yes, at ALL times)- even if it almost… kills you to not express that anger abusively… don’t.

What are your thoughts about what i wrote here?
anita