I guess I have 16+ years in with her. I felt like her straying or our relationship having problems, was my fault, my failure. I realize relationships need to change and I am open to it. I can even consider they may be just friends. But as soon as you start hiding things… that means there is a reason you need to hide them. I have a fear of losing her, what we had (but truthfully, what we had is gone). I feared it to the point of having it paralyze my life. I was scared that she saw what she was doing and didn’t care. I would be watchful, waiting to see if she stumbled again. It made me lose site of myself, my kids, friends because I was fixated on her not cheating and me being able to fix it.

By saying I need to heal myself, I need to live my own life, not have her so center in my life anymore… To take the kids camping and not worry if she does cheat (I am trying to learn that doesn’t reflect on me). I am tired of her poor choices making me unhappy. I want to be away from the negativity, which sends me in to “fix-it” mode. I want to be happy, I want her back, to trust her… to trust us. I want a new relationship with her but I am not sure of what she wants (I am not sure she knows what she wants) and that uncertainty, kills me.