Melilot,

Congratulations on doing the noble work of self growth, and thank you for all the effort. It helps us all, more than you know!

Consider that after the divorce and other troubles, you went into a protective shell. Like a hermit going into a cave to separate themselves from the bustle of the outside world. For instance, paused on dating, while you self examined and healed. Now, you’re stepping out into the world again, and your eyes are screaming “its so bright!!!!!” All very normal, highs and lows, emotional turbulence. It takes time to regain our footing when we leave the cave.

There are a few causes here that come to mind. One, fear that you’ll regress, lose the New Melilot that emerged from all the efforts, lose stability, lose yourself, fall back into whatnot and whathaveyou. This makes the fear especially scary, because the past held lots of pain. But consider: that Melilot, of three years, four years, ten years… is gone. Like a seed dissolves as a flower grows, the person you were has helped you become who you are today, but is otherwise a faint whisper. As long as you keep the good and noble habits you developed while in the cave, your eyes will adjust and each moment will be less dramatic.

For instance, you jump back into the dating realm, and the first date isn’t just “OK, what’s this person like”, its “am I ready, what will this be like, am I datable” and all that other extra stuff. This goes away. Much like riding a bicycle after a long absence, it isn’t just “petal and point”, its “can I do this, am I ready to do this” which makes every single little wobble on your radar. After you’ve ridden a mile or two, the wobbles won’t matter so much, don’t blast as loudly, because you won’t fixate so much of your attention on them, proving you can or can’t ride a bike. See?

Two, consider that dating is pretty much inherently messy and awkward. People fart and burp, ask weird questions, give weird answers, wonder what the other person thinks and feels, lots of squinting and unknown. Learn to laugh at these things and let them go. If we accept the awkwardness is something that can’t really be avoided, the humor really begins to shine through. People are too unique and amazing to not bump heads from time to time. And those are often the stories that bring much delight, once our cheeks stop being red, of course.

As for the “crazy”, all I hear is “I’m passionate and also scared”. You sound sane, already. Don’t be so hard on yourself!

With warmth,
Matt