Hi Melilot

I went through almost exactly the same set of circumstances as you, but a year earlier, so I have 12 month’s additional experience!

From what you say, you feel that you have worked through most of the issues arising from that tough time, but entering the world of dating has stirred up all your emotions again.

My first observation is that it isn’t surprising. Even at the best of times, dating is a little bit scary. We just need to remember our teenage years for that – euphoric highs and catastrophic lows. Your most recent experience ended badly so of course you will be nervous – that just shows you are human.

When dating, we are offering ourselves up for external validation, which can only go one of two ways. It is win or lose – there’s no middle ground. So it is only our own resilience that gets us through, and if that resilience has been damaged, it’s really tough.

In my case, a similar combination of factors left me with a feeling of worthlessness. My partner didn’t want me, my employer didn’t want me, friends turned against me – guess I must just be a terrible person, right? Except…

I realized that what I was doing was calculating my worth, my value as a human being, by the opinions of a tiny handful of people. Actually, not even that. One person – my ex. Losing my job wasn’t even personal – that’s just business. And it was my ex who turned our friends against me. So why was I giving all that power – my own value as a human being – to one person who didn’t even want to be with me any more?

So I started to look at myself differently.

Rather than using someone else’s criteria, I started using my own. What are the things that I value in a human being? Well, kindness; compassion; honesty; fun; creativity; determination, etc. – it was a long list. Then I considered, as honestly as I could, where I was on each of these scales. For some, I scored very highly. Others, not so good. So I resolved to work to bring all of those scores up as high as I could – after all, I have to live with myself 24 hours a day, so the nicer I can be to live with, the better…

The best thing about doing this was that the need for external validation had gone. Now, if someone doesn’t like me, well, ok, that’s because they are looking for different values. If they rate looks or a slim physique highly, well, I’m never going to be the one. But that’s OK. It doesn’t mean I’m worthless as a person. I just don’t tick the boxes that they are looking for. Better to find that out sooner than later.

I realized that my earlier needy and obsessive feelings came from a need for external validation – “please, tell me I’m attractive!”, “please tell me I’m a nice person!”. Once I took that power back, those feelings went away.

And, ironically, my success rate with dating went through the roof! Why? Because instead of focusing on my needs, I listened to them. Instead of sitting there thinking, “please find me attractive and interesting”, I found myself telling them how interesting and attractive they were – a remarkably effective way of getting a second date.

So don’t beat yourself up over how you feel – you feel that way because you are human. Give yourself time to work through those feelings. You use the term “crazy” like it’s a bad thing, but it just means you have feelings and aren’t a robot – that’s much more attractive than being dull and emotionless. You have been through a really tough time and have come out of the other side stronger, more experienced and more interesting. Everything that you have gone through has only added to your value as a human being. There are plenty of people out there for whom you would be a blessing. Once you can see and understand that for yourself, others will see it clearly too.