Well, I’m coming back here as things are so close to my ‘turning’ point, and so much has happened since I last posted and I’m just having a moment of emotional turmoil with changes coming at me quickly now. Things progressively got worse, we did go to counseling together for a bit, but things Still got worse at home. And by worse I mean a month ago there was a point I called the police because he was freaking out at me for hiding posts on my Facebook page from him….and he turned on my computer and ordered me to log on and show him to prove I wasn’t cheating on him, pushed me off of my computer then physically held me back so he could attempt to read my private message with the man he’s constantly accusing me of cheating with….he even contacted my friend on his own accord and told him to stay away from me (in which my friend became more supportive of me when he found out what was going on!).
Less than a month ago he broke his hand punching a desk out of anger when I was trying to discuss with him that we need to separate and I’m looking for a place….
Every single time I feel he Knows we are separating and we end up ‘getting along’ for a day after such a discussion, he suddenly assumes and acts like we are back together again because there were no incidents between us…

Now for the last week or so….he has been going overboard with the gifts / compliments / I love you’s / I’m now a changed man so you can be proud of me one day…..

So, I did speak to a lawyer to know my rights….unfortunately just leaving with the kids in my case wasn’t to my advantage because where I live I HAVE to provide him access to them when there are no custody orders, and he would be allowed to do the same to me…and the last thing I wanted was to get the kids caught in the middle of some mess like that…On that note he has used them against me in the recent past saying things such as “If you ever leave with the kids without my permission, I’m calling the police to report you for kidnapping!”

I got myself on the waiting list for legal aid where I’m from..and this week I meet up with my lawyer who is supposed to help me with custody, etc…..the other thing being in the province I am from the courts seek 50/50 as much as possible, even if there is a history of drug use, etc…..so I really need to be careful about this as well. I keep getting told the absolute best thing is to agree with him without the courts being involved on child arrangements, unless there’s absolute proof of his behaviour. :-/

That being said, I have the paperwork in my hands to sigh a lease to move out….and as much as I know that one day I will be proud for making that choice, I’m having a bit of a panic attack of feeling of absolute guilt for what I’m doing to him, as he said I’m taking everything away from him that matters, destroying our family, etc……logically I know that’s not true and this choice I will be happy with, but emotionally right now I’m feeling this is overboard and too much…..he’s being so nice now, he’s a good dad, he’s taken care of us financially, I’ll make things even worse with this choice…..gah!!