Hi Alexandra
Ok, so you spent your formative years having your appearance ridiculed, and then being criticized for shyness and a lack of confidence. Now, you are pre-occupied with body image and feel bitterness towards those who are beautiful. This is an almost inevitable outcome of your experience – almost everyone would respond in the same way. So this is not something that reflects any weakness on your part. It is a perfectly natural, human response to how you were treated.

One thing that I have observed in many people with similar stories to yours, is that physical appearance almost never has anything to do with it. In fact, they are generally far more attractive than average, as it is jealousy which is the driver – the others can’t compete on looks, so they undermine your self-confidence instead. It is almost certainly this lack of confidence which is the real issue, rather than anything physical – you enter into relationships because they give you some form of validation.

You ask if you should change who you are. The fact is, you have already tried that with cosmetic procedures, and trying to be “popular” and “pretty”. The fact is, the best way to make oneself attractive is to be happy and confident with who you are, and to actually be yourself. This isn’t going to happen to you overnight, but it will come.

I’m guessing that, at the moment, you look at yourself in the mirror, and see all the flaws that have been pointed out to you since you were very young. Many supermodels do exactly the same, so it is not about absolute beauty, but about how your brain interprets what it sees. So instead, focus on one aspect of yourself that you like or, if you can’t even see that yet, get your boyfriend to tell you what he likes about you and focus on those things. Make the best of those features, with clothes or make-up. It doesn’t matter if you don’t believe it – trust his judgment and do it anyway.

What makes a woman attractive (and, I presume, the same for a man) is someone who cares enough to make the best of what they have. Your low self-esteem is preventing you from doing that. Break through that by taking the action anyway and you will find your self-esteem will improve. And your boyfriend is likely to be impressed at the changes!

Similarly, wanting to be popular has probably also led to you not being yourself, and therefore coming across as inauthentic. By worrying about popularity, you might come across as “needy” or “clingy”, which can make others shy away. Your friends may have thought that you would only join the class to be with them, and genuinely believed that you wouldn’t be into it. Try to focus on their needs rather than yours – ask them how the meditation class is going, what they enjoy and don’t enjoy about it. Take a genuine interest in their work, their family, and their other friends. Everyone’s favorite subject is themselves, so they will welcome the opportunity to speak to you about it. If they just think that you will bring them your problems, don’t be surprised when they find something else to do.

So, in summary, don’t change yourself – be yourself, and change the way you look at yourself. You went through a hard time when you were younger, but now you are just perpetuating it yourself. They were jealous, and told you lies. From today, you will see the truth.

Good luck!