Hi again Anita,

I’m going to choose to ignore your latest post, which I only just noticed, as it doesn’t really feel like it came from a positive place.

Remember that I did come here to get help with my motivation, absolutely, and the last time I checked, this sub-forum was called ‘purpose’, so that seems appropriate. Also remember that I included my whole story for completeness, so that all of the possibly relevant data was present and accounted for. At no point did I state that I wanted to engage in discussion about the most traumatic parts of my life, I just didn’t avoid talking about them when asked about them. I didn’t avoid talking about them, because even though I generally feel ok about them, or at least have made an amount of peace with them, I accepted the possibility that they might be relevant to solving the problem at hand.

While many emotional issues do involve amounts of distress, I’m amazed that you think a lack of motivation or purpose in my life, has to be distressing in order for it to be something that needs to be addressed? Take a moment and consider that. Also, consider that ones tolerance for distress is probably somewhat proportional to the amount of distress that they have endured during their life, and I have endured enough of it to be fairly philosophical about most trials and setbacks. At no point during this discussion have I gotten particularly emotional about any of it, though I shed a tear when I wrote about my mother, and when I read about the little boy holding the book, but that was sadness, not distress.

I’ve already made it reasonably clear that on any given day, I’m generally ok with the choices I’ve made and where I’ve ended up, as my personality type is one that can accept or at least one that can convince myself to accept my lot.

All the above said, there are lots of things that I would like to change, a different kind of life I would like to live ultimately if I was better at pursuing my dreams, but I tend to dream a lot more than I act, so have trouble getting what I want. In this current compact version of my life though, I’d be happy for the life I’m living to be sustainable, and unfortunately my productivity is a limiting factor there. I’ve been burning through my savings for some time in order to fund my current lifestyle, but they will run out, and when they do, I will have no choice but to adapt to a new way of living that may be more uncomfortable and more of a shock than if I had chosen to find a new, more productive (and income providing!) balance.

My apologies for not replying to yesterday’s message sooner, but unfortunately it was just one of those things. My brother called while I was writing it, and we spent some time discussing employment opportunities in the wider world and what he thought I should be doing with my life. Both of my brothers have expressed concern about the way I’ve been living my life in recent months, and those expressions were in fact the catalyst that brought me here in the first place. A pro-active attempt to try and get things back on track.

I can be here for those reasons, and trying to ultimately change my life in a positive way, and still ultimately be, a flawed, self-centred human being. I am. In my defence, it’s quite easy to be self-centred when you are the only player in your life due to living a life of seclusion. I “work” from home, live at home, get my groceries delivered and probably leave my house once every couple of weeks for the odd drink with friends. My life pretty much just involves me.

Kaz