- This topic has 19 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 10 months ago by
Matt.
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June 20, 2015 at 2:02 am #78501
KazParticipantHi again Anita,
I’m going to choose to ignore your latest post, which I only just noticed, as it doesn’t really feel like it came from a positive place.
Remember that I did come here to get help with my motivation, absolutely, and the last time I checked, this sub-forum was called ‘purpose’, so that seems appropriate. Also remember that I included my whole story for completeness, so that all of the possibly relevant data was present and accounted for. At no point did I state that I wanted to engage in discussion about the most traumatic parts of my life, I just didn’t avoid talking about them when asked about them. I didn’t avoid talking about them, because even though I generally feel ok about them, or at least have made an amount of peace with them, I accepted the possibility that they might be relevant to solving the problem at hand.
While many emotional issues do involve amounts of distress, I’m amazed that you think a lack of motivation or purpose in my life, has to be distressing in order for it to be something that needs to be addressed? Take a moment and consider that. Also, consider that ones tolerance for distress is probably somewhat proportional to the amount of distress that they have endured during their life, and I have endured enough of it to be fairly philosophical about most trials and setbacks. At no point during this discussion have I gotten particularly emotional about any of it, though I shed a tear when I wrote about my mother, and when I read about the little boy holding the book, but that was sadness, not distress.
I’ve already made it reasonably clear that on any given day, I’m generally ok with the choices I’ve made and where I’ve ended up, as my personality type is one that can accept or at least one that can convince myself to accept my lot.
All the above said, there are lots of things that I would like to change, a different kind of life I would like to live ultimately if I was better at pursuing my dreams, but I tend to dream a lot more than I act, so have trouble getting what I want. In this current compact version of my life though, I’d be happy for the life I’m living to be sustainable, and unfortunately my productivity is a limiting factor there. I’ve been burning through my savings for some time in order to fund my current lifestyle, but they will run out, and when they do, I will have no choice but to adapt to a new way of living that may be more uncomfortable and more of a shock than if I had chosen to find a new, more productive (and income providing!) balance.
My apologies for not replying to yesterday’s message sooner, but unfortunately it was just one of those things. My brother called while I was writing it, and we spent some time discussing employment opportunities in the wider world and what he thought I should be doing with my life. Both of my brothers have expressed concern about the way I’ve been living my life in recent months, and those expressions were in fact the catalyst that brought me here in the first place. A pro-active attempt to try and get things back on track.
I can be here for those reasons, and trying to ultimately change my life in a positive way, and still ultimately be, a flawed, self-centred human being. I am. In my defence, it’s quite easy to be self-centred when you are the only player in your life due to living a life of seclusion. I “work” from home, live at home, get my groceries delivered and probably leave my house once every couple of weeks for the odd drink with friends. My life pretty much just involves me.
Kaz
June 20, 2015 at 2:25 am #78502KazParticipantHi Matt,
Yeah, the guy in the mirror is of course actually, in reality, me. Absolutely. But he’s not the me I should be and I struggle with that.
I can get super specific on this point.
I grew up in a backwater with a bad local dentist and a mother that wasn’t paying attention, and so I have three teeth missing from my mouth. Teeth that were entirely healthy when they were pulled, that were removed because “my mouth didn’t have room for them” (at the age of 10 or so, when I hadn’t even stopped growing yet!), and that more than likely, I’ll never get back (more than likely, because growing new teeth is an active area of research in dentistry at the moment!).
The me that I should be, is the one that had been looked after properly. One where my mother actually engaged her brain once in a while (she was actually a very knowledgeable woman, a biology teacher), and when the dentist made that suggestion, she could have noticed that it really wasn’t in my best interest and that I would have to live the rest of my life without those teeth.
The person I should be, is the one that was cared for properly. The person I’m left with, is the one who is the sum of all of his and his parent’s mistakes and that’s what I see when I look in the mirror. It doesn’t pain me particularly. It is what it is. It makes me slightly angry from time to time though. 🙁
Kaz
June 20, 2015 at 2:45 am #78503KazParticipantOh, and I don’t know if this is against the rules or not, but if a picture paints a thousand words, then feel free to look at some random photos I have online, my twitter feed, anything you need to reassure yourself that I’m being straight and direct:
https://www.flickr.com/photos/kazniazi/
https://twitter.com/kazniaziI don’t hide who I am, and perhaps this will give you a better sense of who you’re talking to.
I don’t partake in these kinds of discussions at all, so feel free to google away until you’re content that I’m not some kind of attention seeking “me” junky.
Kaz
June 20, 2015 at 6:57 am #78514
AnonymousGuestDear Kaz:
I feel regret for having sent that post to you because it obviously was not effective and displeased you. I don’t like displeasing others. I make take exception to it if I think my input can bring upon something positive but I don’t think this is the case. Best wishes to you and again, I apologize.
anitaJune 20, 2015 at 1:36 pm #78521
MattParticipantKaz,
You do not strike me as self absorbed, just a boy with a heavy book, looking for answers.
I’m empathetic to your view that once specific conditions are met, then you would be able to love yourself. That feeling is called shame, as though qualities that you have prevent acceptance and love. Such as three missing teeth are a reason for your present self to be unlovable, and so some day, maybe love will be available if very specific things align.
This is hogwash, false, an excuse to hide behind the book. An excuse to stay focused on the pages, and not on the boy. And it’s the boy that needs our tender attention, dear friend. The boy that thinks love is only available if he is perfect. That he has to perform correctly in order to be accepted. That boy needs fantastic and warm hugs, to know that he is seen and beautiful, mess and all. Stinky bits, flabby bits, sparkling bits, honed bits, all exactly true, all exactly what they are.
That’s when the boy can let go of his habit of negative fixation. Focusing far too much attention on the missing pieces of his dream that he forgets to love the whole. And so, he grieves as he writes stories to try to earn something, become something, that he has been all along. Beautiful.
Consider searching “brene brown TED talk”. Her song might bridge the gap between the boy and his book.
With warmth,
Matt -
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