Kaz,

You do not strike me as self absorbed, just a boy with a heavy book, looking for answers.

I’m empathetic to your view that once specific conditions are met, then you would be able to love yourself. That feeling is called shame, as though qualities that you have prevent acceptance and love. Such as three missing teeth are a reason for your present self to be unlovable, and so some day, maybe love will be available if very specific things align.

This is hogwash, false, an excuse to hide behind the book. An excuse to stay focused on the pages, and not on the boy. And it’s the boy that needs our tender attention, dear friend. The boy that thinks love is only available if he is perfect. That he has to perform correctly in order to be accepted. That boy needs fantastic and warm hugs, to know that he is seen and beautiful, mess and all. Stinky bits, flabby bits, sparkling bits, honed bits, all exactly true, all exactly what they are.

That’s when the boy can let go of his habit of negative fixation. Focusing far too much attention on the missing pieces of his dream that he forgets to love the whole. And so, he grieves as he writes stories to try to earn something, become something, that he has been all along. Beautiful.

Consider searching “brene brown TED talk”. Her song might bridge the gap between the boy and his book.

With warmth,
Matt