Hi, thank you so much for your kind replies.

Aurora Borealis, yes i have a therapist. I went to her several years in my country, and now we skype. I don’t know if it would be better to have a counsellor where i live, in ‘real live’, but she knows me so well, and knows what i need, that i don’t want to bother to try to find a new one, and it takes me ages before i trust somebody new. Also it would be very hard to find someone as good, because my therapist is specialised in BPD and works with this therapy. I have had DBT (Linehan) in the past, but need to refresh a lot of things, which is what we will start doing now.

Thank you for your suggestion, I have read quite a lot of articles here and forumposts, but i tend to forget all this quickly when i’m not doing well. So i will have a look again at some things 🙂

Aloma, you put it very nicely ‘it’s hard to tell if your BPD is affecting how you view your circumstances, and has something to do with your school and work difficulties, and finding your passion. ‘
I think i need to bring this up with my therapist, right now there are other more urgent things playing, but think i might quote you when i’m ready to look at it with her. I don’t have such a good way to say things.

And i guess you are right: i have many reasons to be happy with this job, and i do realise it, only now it’s getting a bit too tired for me and i’m getting impatient. But this job is enabling me at the moment to be in the country where i want, it’s good for me to have structure and purpose again, and all the collegues and bosses are very kind people, so i’m definitely happy with the place where i landed. And i agree with you, we have the option to go through our day with a smile and a positive attitute, or to complain and focus on the things i would like to have different. I will try to remind myself a bit more.
But i still would like to focus my energy on doing something what i like, because it could be good for my selfrespect and purpose, but i guess i’ll need to be patient and work on ‘surrounding issues’ first, and remember to smile in the meantime 🙂

Anita, Thank you for your comment!
Well done, it seems you have worked a lot to face your hurt and to learn new coping ways, to come this far! Wow!
I would love to ask you loads of questions 🙂
I agree with your view about the diagnosis, it is not something that we are, and although it probably has its uses for therapy purposes (amongst others). The danger of this diagnosis is that we identify ourselves with it and that way block our chances for healing and to really change something. I try to avoid it, but i think i also tend to do that, think in terms of ‘i am a borderliner so i will have to accept that i am this and that’. But i agree with you, i am not a borderliner, but i do have to work on many things and learn a lot of things. My therapist if very good, but it is me who will have to do it of course.

I like your way of describing it with the snowball, quite recognisable 🙂

It’s probably the most evident thing to ask, but would you like to tell me what you found helped you to deal with this hurt. And, i assume you had to learn a new way, instead of ‘unskilled living’ towards ‘skilled living’ – how was that for you? That seems so difficult for me because that means i have to really go against fears and certain very strong and rigid beliefs i have built up about myself – letting go of these beliefs feel make me so vulnerable and shaky.
Do you still struggle with these things, or do you find it all easy now? I mean, for example, sometimes i can manage for a while, let’s say a number of months, to be more mindful of the way i think about myself and focus on kinder self-talk and then sudenly, even when not much happens, e.g. a few days of more stress and it’s again all crisis and all self-hatred as much as you can – i probably don’t need to go into too much explanations. Do you feel that these kinds of things, have changed more fundamentally, or do you still have to be very, very careful not to step into those traps…?
Sorry if i ask to many questions, i’m interested to hear your story, as i usually only meet people with BPD who also just seem to be crawling in the mud.
Thank you very much for your reaction, and much respect to you to have come that far!!