Dear charlieray2015:
Congratulations for being sober and clean for eight months! And for considering a better way of living for yourself. You asked:
“How the hell do I shut him out and move on with my life?
Is it okay to cut him off forever?
How do I keep people from getting into my mind?
And how do I keep my emotions in control?”

I have cut my mother out of my life at 52 years old. that was two years ago. I wish I did that a long, long time ago. I tried when I was 30 but it was short lived. My intent is that the cut will be for the rest of my life. I cannot express enough how very, very strong my attachment to her STILL feels. It sometimes feels like a raw wound. I cannot tell you how much guilt I experienced deciding to cut her off and to keep it this way for the last two years. At first, when I considered cutting contact with her (again) in 2011, I imagined it would be so liberating, that I will experience so much freedom and happiness. But that was not the case. There were calm moments but also a lot of torture. Eventually at this point, I know it was the right thing. She fed me well. she worked hard. She bought me new clothes and toys etc. AND she was my enemy, not FOR me, but AGAINST me. She had to go if I was to live FOR myself.

How I cut her off- I did it completely. No contact whatsoever.

Unfortunately I internalized her and her voice has been talking to me. I wish it wasn’t so but part of our psyche, the superego in Freudian terms is the intenalized parent/s, and if the parent was abusive… then the superego, part of our psyche takes after the abusive parent. I wish it it wasn’t so, but it is. There are skills to deal with this, to build and strengthen a part of our psyche, an internal manager, that will take good care of us, a part that will stand between our child part and the abusive parent in our heads and take care of the child part compassionately and effectively. I learned some in psychotherapy- CBT with a good dose of minfulness. At this point the superego, the abusive internalized parent, the “internal critic’ is less active in my mind, way less active. What a journey it has been!

My addiction which i still deal with is eating- very painful. Very, very painful. I am making progress although it is oh, so gradual. Which leads me to controlling emotions. You heard of What-we-resist-persists? Well, I learned that feeling what i have been trying not to feel is way, way preferrable to resisting it. It is like the child part, that hurting child part WILL NOT BE IGNORED! She needs to be seen, heard, taken care of. Find a way for your child part to be seen, heard, valued, validated and loved. This is how you … manage your emotions, slowly, with compassion, accepting imperfections, patiently, in small steps. Day after day.

Take good care of yourself!
anita