Hi Brian,

First of all, I view love as a verb as well as a feeling. For your friend, because she’s an alcoholic, and because you have your own “stuff”, I would love her from afar.

Now, when you have a child, you will (should!) feel pure love for that child. The parent/child relationship is the purest form of love. Of course, there are lousy parents out there, but you get the idea. When you’re holding that baby in your arms, you’re not thinking, “Well, my shrink says I don’t love myself enough so how can I love another person correctly, especially a family member?” You’re not even thinking. You’re feeling, “I love you, I love you, I love you!”

I also (morbidly) think of people who would be at my funeral. Some of them would be people I haven’t seen in years. That is love. The people who have shared and witnessed your history with you, even though you may not think of them at all day by day. (i.e. your siblings’ best friends).

And when you’re in love with someone, you don’t even have to ask. It sounds cliché, but when you meet who is to be your spouse, you just “Know”. And by the way, it may not feel like fireworks. It’s just a certain Deep Knowing.

You are not in love with the alcoholic friend. You are drawn to her. And you may even love her. But please don’t get sucked into the co-dependent mess waiting for you if you get involved.

Best,

Inky