Dear carole:

Your sister is hungry for love, for loving attention. Her hunger is as deep as the absence of that love in her childhood. She is probably aware of it on some level, but not on a deep, accepting enough level, so she doesn’t see what it is that motivates her and she doesn’t see her behavior as unreasonable. She saw your divorce as an opportunity, a vacuum created in your life where she can have a place to receive love.

Like you stated in so many words, and I concur: you, carole, have a zero chance of satisfying your sister’s need to be loved. Any and all your efforts, however heroic, self sacrificial on your part, NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, she will not be satisfied. It is impossible unless she attends psychotherapy or otherwise, somehow, heal from her childhood-born injury.

If indeed your children are successful, healthy individuals- you have done a good job mothering them. Congratulations! Your sister is not a child. And she is not your (adult) child. It is neither possible nor is it your responsibility to “raise” her, which is what she needs, that is to go back in time and visit her emotional injuries and start anew.

Did you suggest she attends psychotherpy- or if she did- that she attends a good psychotherapy? If I was you, at the most I would offer her support if she attends psychotherapy to deal with her childhood injury/ trauma. The best you can do for her is point the finger back at her when she accuses you, somehow letting her know that her feelings are her responsibility, her needs are her responsibility and only she can satisfy those through insight, skills and so forth.

If you try otherwise to satisfy her, you are feeding pathology, sickness, and the pathology will never be satisfied. If you do this, you are engaging yourself in pathological behavior. Stay on the side of well being.

anita