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Being accused of shutting my sister out of my life…

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  • August 28, 2015 at 9:34 pm #82549
    carole
    Participant

    All the recent “fights” with my sister have to do with her wanting to be more of a part of my life with my grown children. When I offer her a chance to visit or meet us somewhere, she says I ask her as though she is an “afterthought” and that I am using her. She is upset because my children and I spend time with my ex as a family (we were married for 29 years). I left her numerous messages about where to meet up with us during my sons last visit and she had an excuse each time about why she didn’t show up. My sons are very successful and no longer live close, so when they do visit I follow their lead about what to do and where to go. it is pretty spur of the moment. I don’t know how to deal with her seemingly irrational emotions or how to respond to her extreme hurt during these episodes. I have a hard enough time navigating these visits myself due to my own break up with my ex! But we manage to have a good time together with our boys! I tried to explain why I didn’t feel that I was being rejecting of her, but she is furious with me and has reneged on an agreement between us that she would help me out when I have major surgery in a few weeks. She feels that since my ex and I are no longer together I should be more of a family to her. It is complicated but we come from a dysfunctional family. She never married and she and her son were kept afloat by my parents who have both passed away. This level of emotion seems out of proportion to the “crime” and does make me want to distance myself from her life (which is very chaotic and requires a lot of patience and care to help her out and meet her needs. Before this latest issue with my sons visit, she and I had been doing a lot together even more so than usual. It feels like she wants too much from me and she is never satisfied. I feel bad about it when she says these things but also angry because I don’t like being accused! She is also angry that Ian going overseas with my ex to visit one of my sons who recently moved. She thinks I should have invited her and not be going with my ex! My kids would think this is nuts! Any advice??? She isn’t speaking to me now and says that she would rather be by herself than have to deal with rejection.

    • This topic was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by carole. Reason: Poor spelling and self expression!
    August 29, 2015 at 7:53 am #82559
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear carole:

    Your sister is hungry for love, for loving attention. Her hunger is as deep as the absence of that love in her childhood. She is probably aware of it on some level, but not on a deep, accepting enough level, so she doesn’t see what it is that motivates her and she doesn’t see her behavior as unreasonable. She saw your divorce as an opportunity, a vacuum created in your life where she can have a place to receive love.

    Like you stated in so many words, and I concur: you, carole, have a zero chance of satisfying your sister’s need to be loved. Any and all your efforts, however heroic, self sacrificial on your part, NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, she will not be satisfied. It is impossible unless she attends psychotherapy or otherwise, somehow, heal from her childhood-born injury.

    If indeed your children are successful, healthy individuals- you have done a good job mothering them. Congratulations! Your sister is not a child. And she is not your (adult) child. It is neither possible nor is it your responsibility to “raise” her, which is what she needs, that is to go back in time and visit her emotional injuries and start anew.

    Did you suggest she attends psychotherpy- or if she did- that she attends a good psychotherapy? If I was you, at the most I would offer her support if she attends psychotherapy to deal with her childhood injury/ trauma. The best you can do for her is point the finger back at her when she accuses you, somehow letting her know that her feelings are her responsibility, her needs are her responsibility and only she can satisfy those through insight, skills and so forth.

    If you try otherwise to satisfy her, you are feeding pathology, sickness, and the pathology will never be satisfied. If you do this, you are engaging yourself in pathological behavior. Stay on the side of well being.

    anita

    August 29, 2015 at 8:36 am #82563
    carole
    Participant

    Thank you Anita! You have put this so succinctly. I know this, but when it comes to the moment, I feel I engage with her because of my own issues (after all I grew up in the same family, with a mom who was mentally ill but rarely sought help, trusted nobody and was just plain mean!) I have been through lots of psychotherapy and am a School Psychologist by trade. My sister is very opposed to psychotherapy – again trust issues (so weird to hear her downgrade my profession)…she is a lot like my mom, but not quite as mean or unreasonable and can be a delight at times. Thank you validating what I thought but have trouble accepting that I can’t make her be more accepting of who I am!!! She often tells me I am cold and repeatedly tells me how often I have pushed her out of my life.

    I have come such a long way and I don’t need this weighing me down but am so tied into rescuing her (been doing it since she was a teenager and I was a young adult). Always my role in the family! I am sure you guessed that! Anyway, I will carry on, because I can! I will have to go back occasionally and read your reply so I don’t forget!!!
    Love and Peace,
    Carole

    August 29, 2015 at 8:40 am #82564
    carole
    Participant

    P.S. My sons’ are amazing!!! They have graduate degrees, are happy in their jobs and lives and are a joy to be around! YAY! I (along with my ex) did something right!

    August 29, 2015 at 9:40 am #82566
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Carole:

    Yay indeed: I see no greater achievement than you doing a great job parenting your sons, especially coming from the childhood you had! My appreciation of you and respect for you is immense.

    It is difficult to abandon such a historically embedded role of the rescuer. My psychotherapist, the only good enough therapist I had told me that he is not able to help his sister because he is not able to be objective with her. His way of dealing with a suffering sibling, he told me, was “Zero advice and zero in on their feelings”- I think these were his words, I do remember the zero part. What he meant from my best understanding is that he reflects to her what she feels, that is something like: you feel hurt… lets her know he SEES her feeling hurt but he does not try to change it, to resue her with either advice or doing anything at all.

    I can see how helpful it can be to a sibling/ person to just be VISIBLE, to hear another say: I see you. I see you hurting.

    And that is all he does with her. He doesn’t try to accomodate her, make her feel lovable, make her feel anything at all. All he does is say with empathy: I SEE you feel (this, or that).

    As good as my ex therapist was- and he was good- he was completely aware that he is not ABLE to help his sister with anything but “I see you.”

    What do you think?

    anita

    August 29, 2015 at 11:19 am #82567
    carole
    Participant

    Anita,
    I think he/you are right about trying to acknowledge the pain she feels but not try to fix anything. I kinda knew when I responded to her during her last upset that I should have just tried to reflect back her feelings. It is incredibly hard for me to “hear” her especially when she clearly blames me for causing her to feel the way she does. I have to be reminded often that I am not responsible for her as you said and to try to move away from the guilt I feel for having a “better” life than hers. I wish she understood that she is choosing to interpret many things in a negative direction which only serves to make her more alone. I do think it is a good idea to start saying the I see your pain or know you are in pain (AND STOP THERE!) I read another post on here about expectations… I have to let go of mine for her so that I don’t get into trying to justify where I’m at and what I have done for her; she is stuck in her feelings and isn’t capable of hearing anything else! I am definitely going to try this from now on, if she will start speaking to me again..Or maybe in a few days, I will be able to reach out to her, once I am feeling less anxious and overburdened!
    Thanks again,
    I have really enjoyed this dialogue! It has been so helpful, especially to know a psychotherapist has the same problem! I need to get back into therapy, but it is often hard finding a good fit!!!

    August 29, 2015 at 12:48 pm #82568
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Carole:

    Talking about reflecting back a feeling, YOUR feeling: I read that you are feeling “anxious and overburdened!” with an exclamation mark, by your sister accusing you. I am thinking that it may very well be wiser for you to have no contact with her. Instead of waiting for her to contact you, why not you choosing to not have contact with her? Anxious and overburdened by your interactions with her… this is hurting YOU.

    Take care of yourself first. Your sister is accusing you, accusing is a strong verb. I don’t like it, not at all. She refuses to have therapy and you are looking for more therapy, partially to deal with her…? This is not right.

    Given your long standing rescuer role with your sister and her lack of willingness to do the work to heal, and her temper tantrums, accusing you, that is setting you deeper into that rescuer role which is harming you. I strongly feel that no contact with her is best for you (and for her).

    anita

    anita

    August 29, 2015 at 2:12 pm #82569
    carole
    Participant

    Anita,
    Before I saw this I did send her a brief message telling I understood her hurt feelings. She replied that she just feels left out and will not plan anything with me anymore so she won’t be hurt again. She wanted to know if I still wanted her to take of her. I said no, I will be fine. I believe I will be fine. It is better to depend on friends who won’t expect anything in return!!! I am going to take care of myself which is something I have to constantly remind myself because I lean towards care taking others often!
    Maybe I will email you – you mentioned how to get in touch in another post. Little nervous about this being so public!!! And Thank you thank you!!!!

    August 29, 2015 at 2:13 pm #82570
    carole
    Participant

    Should say take care of me up there!

    August 29, 2015 at 7:46 pm #82576
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear carole:

    Better withdraw from your sister so to release yourself from that rigid role where you are somehow the unloving, abusive “parent” to your unloved, abused younger sister. What an… unappetizing role you have, to repeatedly be accused of… it is insane. Remove yourself from this insanity- that is what it is, insanity. This role where she projects into you her parent/s, seeing herself in relation to you as the child and seeing you as her parent… this role is helping to keep her where she is, repeatedly replaying her childhood conflict. Better for her, and most important, better for you. I have to get off the computer very soon, power outage. Generator powered at the moment. If you write me your email address I will email you hopefully tomorrow, if and when the power or generator is on. WIll be glad to. \

    anita

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