Dear pomplemous:

I used to get all confused: I so often- maybe always- felt WRONG/ DISAPPROVED and disapprove-able that I couldn’t tell the difference between what I should change and what I shouldn’t change- everything I thought and felt and did, most often, felt just wrong. The stink, so to speak, was everywhere, permeated everything.

This website here is financed by adds and e-books and the financial owner of this website is in practice the owner. I suppose that for as long as any particular poster seems to encourage others to post, start threads and comment on an ongoing basis, then that particular person is approved by the financial owner and manager of this website. I have posted here a whole lot for months and I understand that at any one time I may be rejected- by owner (not to mention by participants). I think this is a basic realistic view.

How much does it scare me? I ask. Not much. My participation here is about helping myself. Not others. It is about ME. It is about me being authentic, real, unguarded. It is about me healing.

And I know that healing is about interactions and relationships that are Win-Win, so naturally I aim at win-win interactions here. Of course I want to help, this is the matching part to me helping myself.

When I wrote to you that I was offended by your comment that I should eat a burger, I did so as part of my own healing, being assertive, honoring my feelings. I did so after a short evaluation (short in this case being a simple one) that the message I perceive in your comment is valid as the cause for my offense. Then I told you and you apologized and I graciously accepted, authentically accepted and thanked you for it.

Interestingly enough, this was not the end of the story for you. It must be that you read much more into it than there was, more condemnation, rejection, even self loathing…. I suppose.

You write that you love yourself and sometimes you do, maybe often you do, maybe much more than you used to- but not at the start of this thread. It is a process, this self love, self attending to, slowly, gradually.

This whole healing process is at times excruciatingly slow. I wish it was an easy ride from one point on, but it is not.

I often fear attack, just now for a moment, I feared your attack. As you are afraid of me, or where afraid of me at one time, I was just then afraid of you attacking me in a future post.

I am focusing now on being me in spite to that fear I just mentioned, THIS fear, that is. I know fear very well, feel it in my chest right now. It is not going anywhere really. Got to find a way to live with it. I can tell you one way I will NOT live with it- and that way is compromising my authenticity, my integrity so to please another. Ah- the uselessness, the waste in that way!

One more thing: I realize now that lately I “clicked” with Jack and formed- from my end- a click with Jack and I disapprove of that doing on my part. I think that such doing is childish (not in the good way)- forming a “cool kids” club that exclude the “no so cool kids.” And I am not going to do that anymore. Forming clicks in a website like this is probably not good for business either, it being excluding (the win-win desired aspect of it all).

Once in a while I like this or that post: for example I liked Inky’s post above, just stating it, but I need not try to form a “cool kids club” with Inky. Enough for now, I think…

anita