Dear Chris:

I can read in your post that you are a very rational person. You covered everything relevant to your problem in two short paragraphs. I am impressed by your rationality and clarity.

You are missing your fiance, that connection. You need it. As is, your life, as much sense as it makes, as clear as you are, you are ALONE with lots of obligations and have done very well, but you are alone and you are only human, needing that togetherness to CALM you.

Children that get traumatized severely have much greater chances to heal if they get that togetherness with a supportive adult, much more than children far less traumatized but have no supportive connection with another. As good and right and sensible as your life is, there are anxieties that require that comforting presence of another. Another person who is there to comfort you.

You support and comfort others but you need to be comforted too. It is only human. You can tranquilize yourself with medications (which you are against and so am I) and psychological counseling will not change that human need, that normal, natural, biological need that you have to be comforted by the woman you love.

See how strong your need is? To be comforted by another adult, to be taken care of that way? This is the child-in-you that naturally needs the comforting presence of an equal other (not of a dependent minor child or a dependent aging parent).

That dread of the weekends, the dread of being alone, unoccupied, with time to feel the fear-alone. You could deal with fear together with her. Alone and afraid is a terrible combination.

While you are waiting for the legal stuff- and waiting does seem reasonable- it seems to me that it could help you to be together, on weekends, with another adult or other adults who are not dependent on you, so you are not afraid and alone. Certain support groups can do? A group of some kind where you can feel connection. Not to fix a psychological problem, only to be TOGETHER. I see no other way to experience patience and peace while you are waiting.

You can also write here again and again. I will read and respond, if this is somewhat helpful, not in fixing you (you need no fixing) but only so to provide you with understanding and some emotional support…. until you find the physical presence of an appropriate group of non-dependent-on you people where you can be yourself, where you can be vulnerable (something you can’t really be taking care of those you take care of).

anita