Dear persianrugs15:

Better close the door on all three, S, M and B. S is not someone for any girl to have a relationship with: he is abusive, blatantly so, clearly so. S is a no-brainer as far as the closed door policy. Forever, no looking back. B took the initiative and made his choice so indeed you are without power in regard to him. The door is closed. Close the door on M because you need all doors closed for a little while. To think, to examine, to evaluate and get to a place where your thinking and actions make more sense than they have made to this point.

There are lessons to be learned from these experiences and that is the message in the feelings you have, this brokenness. Can you- when calm- look at the different relationships you had with these three, one at a time, with the motivation to learn?

Again, the no-brainer one is S. From the very beginning you saw him clearly, correctly and didn’t have sex with him. Then you changed your mind, betraying your own understanding. Why? And why did you stay? Were you afraid of his threats? What was your motivation staying with S?

At times it is like you were trying to juggle the three, get something from one because you couldn’t get it from the other, break up with S because B broke up with you, as if the three were connected other than through you. The three were three different people and you connected them in your mind in ways that were not realistic.

One at a time- could be one lesson, or non-physical intimate interactions with all three, or with more at a time… but there is much more to learn about your own motivations and how you tried to meet your needs ineffectively.

Once you learn, I believe, you will feel better. Give it time, and examine.

anita