I need to vent. This is a very long story.

The past 6 months have been crazy. It involves three guys. Let’s call them, S, M, and B. It started with S. S is 17, M 17 , B 18.

S and I met in January 2015. I was 15, he was 16, turned 17 in February. When we first met he was cool, and flirtatious. Then as we talked more he became sexual and I knew right away all he wanted was sex. I didn’t give it up or fall for it. I would always say no. Besides, I still had feelings for M which I had known for 3 months at that point. I had the strongest feelings for M.

We had a rare chemistry that I had never come across/felt before. He was my best friend and I wanted him so bad. Everything about him was perfect to me. I told him every and any thing. We would flirt but he never said he liked me, so I decided to get the courage to admit I liked him that December; and he friend zoned me which hurt a lot. But by January, we were still flirting and it escalated leading us to sleep together– twice. But we never got into a relationship. We remained friends and kind of forgot about it and never did it again.

By April I had caught feelings for S. And we got into a relationship on April 11th. It was full of lust, but I was looking through rose colored glasses. I began to love him not just lust after him. Him the opposite, lust after me not love me. I thought he had goals, was smart, and funny. We slept together a lot. Whenever he wanted. But I realized I didn’t know him as a person or his family life. So I began asking questions to get to know him more, and he shut me down. He called me annoying and asked why am I asking so many questions.

Whenever I would ask how his mom was doing he got irritable. He said Why do you care? It’s not like we’re getting married. Then went even farther to say I talk like we’re a real couple which crushed me. I don’t know why but I apologized, and promised to not ask again. His father passed when he was 12, so I assumed him and his mother were close. Apparently not. As a girlfriend, I like to get to know the guy’s family but he wouldn’t let me do that. I confided in him that he had hurt my feelings, and asked why is he acting like he is.

He told me to grow up. He would say things like all you have to do is keep your legs open and we’ll have the best relationship. Or tell me he decides when things are over not me. He said he wanted to hit me until blood splattered. And he’s happy he got what he wanted out of me. I told him if he ever hit me I would stab him; him replying with stab me and I’ll kill you. He reminded me that i’m small so he could easily just fling me through a window. Later he told me all these things he said were jokes, and after I got offended by them I was just being sensitive. He told me i was too sensitive. I believed him. And stayed with him. But didn’t trust him.

The only time he was affectionate to me is when he wanted sex. I no longer gave it up. I would come up with excuses. He would get mad. Started calling me a bitch, hoe, gullible, naive, easy to manipulate. I got mad again, he went back to calling me sensitive and said he was just joking. It was getting old but somehow I still stayed. I still cared about him. Then one day in July he broke up with me. I didn’t cry or beg him to stay. I said thank god. The same day he asked for me back, said he would change, didn’t want to lose me and that he was sorry. Told him I’d think about it. He lured me back in, and I so foolishly took him back. It wasn’t quite the same after that. I still had pent up anger from the things he said and did to me.

So I became cold towards him. Very mean. Avoided him, gave up no sex, would frequently ignore him. This caused distance and we broke up and got back together again. By this time I had run back to M again. We had a 2 hour phone call the same night S and I were having an argument. S wanted me to call him but I was too busy on the phone with M. Pillow talking and flirting. I started getting attracted to M again. Then M told me about how he had slept with another girl recently. And the feelings quickly went away. I was over it.

By August, I knew it was time to go back to school. I knew M would be going off to college and I was mentally prepared for us to drift apart. S and I would be in the same grade, 11th, so I knew I’d still have him around . By August no more love was left in my heart for him. It felt like we were friends by this point. We’d say “I love you” but really didn’t mean it. He was still abusive and calling it “joking” and I was fed up. By the end of August, he claimed he was really going to change this time and we were working on trying to go back to the way we were when we first met. But the chemistry didn’t exist and I was so detached.

Right before school starts B messages me on social media. B is extremely attractive, funny, and our chemistry is strong. Stronger than M and I’s was. B is a college freshman already but besides that we have almost everything else in common as if we’re the same person. We hit it off really well. So well that by the 3rd week of talking– we’re sleeping together. I was still with S and knowingly cheating but I didn’t care. He treated me so wrong and this was my revenge. It was the best I ever had . The attraction was so strong. He’s so fine and a lot of girls want him but I was the only one he was sleeping with. I felt lucky. We ended up doing it every weekend until about a week ago.

He even gave me birthday sex for my 16th this September. And it felt emotionally good– to finally be getting S back. But a part of me still felt guilty. This was my first time ever cheating. B thought I was single like he was. So not only was I cheating, but I was lying too. I wanted to be with B but I was scared he wouldn’t commit. He would make statuses about girls in his lecture classes so I was unsure. He knew I liked him because I told him and he said he liked me too and just crushes a lot.

We were getting so close… I can’t put the spark into words. I was and still am crazy for him. But suddenly last week he went 3 days without talking to me. Then on Thursday he texts me again and I get happy as hell. But then he said he had something to tell me. He said that his girl said he couldn’t talk to me anymore. I was confused, What girl? He said his ex that he’s been on and off with for 3-4 years now came back. He had been single for 3 months and was trying to move on from her. She was supposed to be going off to college and decided to come back. And she’s been his girl since Monday.

He didn’t tell me any of this about being on and off with her and told her about me. Then he says so how do we end this and he doesn’t wanna end on bad terms etc. Then just cuts me off real quick so it will “sting less”. He said our chemistry is too strong and there’s no way we could be just friends. The only hope I have is him mentioning that he doesn’t know if he’s going to cut me off forever; but for now he is. That same day I broke it off with S. Leaving him how B left me.

I am broken. And numb. I’m falling into depression. All I want is B back. And I feel helpless, there’s literally nothing I can do.