Dear Sapnap3:

I smiled as I saw this new thread. Before reading it I went to the last one and read all your posts there. I copied the following from there with the intent on posting it here and responding to it, still without reading this thread:

“when do I stop blaming myself for ‘not trying hard enough’ ‘not givning my all’ and ‘not letting go’…when?
…I see people having beautiful babies, getting engaged, married, getting promotions. Why am i stagnant? I have an MBA, should I get one job with an understanding boss?…”

I copied the above because I saw the works of your Inner Critic and was going to point her out to you (that superego psychic entity, the often abusive, ineffective overgrown inner critic, also known as toxic inner critic). Reading the above post encouraged me in thinking I am on to the core problem you are suffering from: that toxic inner critic.

You posted above: “All my life, I have been raised to blame myself for everything. My new boss is mean…” The part of your brain (the particular neural connections) that blames you for everything is that psychic entity, Superego, Internal Critic. And it is the problem, it does way too much … not for you but against you. As it blames you for everything, you take responsibility for what is NOT your responsibility. Having a certain boss is NOT your responsibility, yet your inner critic tells you that it is. “well, how is it that others don’t have mean bosses? Huh? No answer? Well, it is YOUR fault then…?”

“And how is it that other women your age are married? Look at them! They look so happy. How is it that you are not married, and you don’t have babies? No wonder you are not happy!”

And the part of you, the Inner Child (Id I suppose, in Freudian terms, as is Superego) says: “Okay, okay, I must get married then, and I must have babies, then I will be happy and I must make the boss not mean because it is my doing that she is mean so I have to fix it as it is my fault I am not married and ….”

Part of you bullies the other part of you and it is very common. See my thread on bullying myself from a day or two ago.

It is a slow process that requires extreme patience and genteelness with yourself, the process of shrinking that inner critic. It is about becoming aware of IT, of its attack throughout the day: Oh, here is an attack. Then instead of engaging in it with an argument (and the drive to do so is intense, it is like an itch that needs to be scratched), you resist it and disengage from it for now. And you do it again and again, day after day.

Once formed, this toxic internal critic will (in between feeling good breaks) torture you forevermore. No way to please it, no matter what. Disengage from it, shrink it, over time- that is the only way.

The mean boss will continue to bother you way more than if you didn’t have your own mean inner critic. The two work together, one from the outside, the other from the inside.

Looking forward to your next post…?

anita