Thanks for the reply Inky and Anita.

I wanna clarify what I said about I always wanna look for a better guy. This feeling only came after the big fight that we had. I believe we were good as a couple before the hitting. I never thought that he is not good enough before that.

I didn’t look for a better guy by texting other people before the fight. I never thought about dating with any of them as my boyfriend and I was still having a good relationship. To my boyfriend, the act of texting is “cheating” already. Similar to what you think, he sees it like searching for a better option. But this kind of idea came only after the hitting. I lost confidence in our relationship. I had a constant fear that he might hit again although he promised not to. Later on whenever he is mad, he still threw stuff around and turned the tables sometimes. And that’s where I began to look for a better guy since I guess I was insecure in the relationship.

I am really not blaming him for anything. I understand it’s purely my mistake to cheat. I am guilty to cheat on him. I am also guilty for not communicating well with my boyfriend so that I wouldn’t be that insecure. The way I see him after hitting is that he is not emotionally stable and sometimes out of control for his temper. That’s the side that I think he is not good enough. I really should help him out. I did ask him to go for a therapist, but he refused. He believed he could control it.

I think we both did something very wrong to each other. If he can really get control for his temper, I think he is still the one for me. And I promise myself every day that I will not cheat on anybody from now on. It’s just too bad to hurt other people. I am still finding a way to heal myself and to let go of what happened…

ameliau