Feeling guilty after cheating

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This topic has 13 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 9 years ago by Anonymous.

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December 2, 2015 at 6:33 am #88700
ameliau
Participant
Can anyone help with my situation? My boyfriend and I broke up a week ago because he found out I was cheating on him. I feel so bad about myself that I broke the trust in our relationship. Every day since I was so guilty for this bad act and I wish I had confessed with him or ended the affair earlier. I found it so hard to deal with my emotion and forgive myself. I am also afraid of other people’s judgement over me…

I have been reflecting on myself of the reasons for cheating. I felt unsatisfied in the relationship. I always wanna look for a better guy. But this unsatisfactory came out only when he once hit me when we had an argument. He slapped my face a few times and push me to the door. I got bruises all over my back. I tried to forgive him and we stayed together trying to fix our relationship. To be honest, I have been scared that he would do that again. I tried to express my concern over his violence, but each time he would say it’s because I triggered him to lose control. Or it’s because I was texting other guys and he was really angry about it. At that point, I haven’t been cheating really. And my conversations with other guys never crossed the line. I start to see myself losing confidence in our relationship although he promised never hit me again. But every time I tried to express my insecurity with him, we would end up with a fight. I was afraid to talk about it anymore.

At the end, I choose to escape from the relationship by cheating. I hope to find someone else to fulfil my emotion needs instead of fixing the problem with my boyfriend. I hurt him so badly by betraying and I am now hurting myself too. I think I have been neglecting my true feelings over the violence and I haven’t really forgiven him. But cheating doesn’t really make me feel better. Now I have a problem to forgive myself as well as let go of what he did to me. I make the situation even worse.

I still love my boyfriend but he broke up with me already. I still hope to get a chance to fix this relationship as we saw each other as soulmates. Things were perfect before the hitting. Can someone give me advice on how to move things forward by asking for his forgiveness? He is not open to talking with me now as he blocks my contact. Should I focus on the healing of myself first before reaching him out?

Thanks for helping me with this confusing situation.
- This topic was modified 9 years ago by ameliau.
December 2, 2015 at 7:12 am #88702
Inky
Participant
Hi ameliau,

Let me get this straight ~ he hit you and you feel guilty for cheating?

Tell him (when he calls ~ they always do) that frankly, the relationship was OVER the minute he struck you!

That if there is no “relationship” because you “don’t DO abusive relationships” OF COURSE you found a better man. That it wasn’t hard. That ANY man is better than an abusive BOY.

That if he doesn’t like it, “why don’t you just come on over and TRY to hit me again? Oh, but you can’t, can you? Because the guy I ‘cheated’ on you with WON’T LET YOU!”

SO MAD for you right now!!!

No Guilt. NONE. Go out, guilt free, EVEN WITH the other guy!!

Blessings,

Inky

P.S. Take self-defense classes. DO! It’s hard for someone to have physical power over you when their azz is on the floor. Physical abuse is a deal breaker. Think of it as, you cheated on him subconsciously BECAUSE you wanted to get rid of the abuse. It worked!! Don’t look back.
- This reply was modified 9 years ago by Inky.
December 2, 2015 at 7:43 am #88706

Anonymous
Guest

Dear ameliau:

You were wrong to cheat on your boyfriend even though he hit you once. You wrote as a reason: “I always wanna look for a better guy.” Nothing to do with him hitting you.

You wrote that while with him you were exchanging texts with other guys but you didn’t cross the line at that point. Putting the texting together with always wanting a better guy, makes me believe that you were looking for a BETTER guy in his presence.

Now, hitting anyone except for in self defense is wrong. Hitting a girl is politically incorrect on top. All you, as a … girl has to say is: that boy hit me! And almost everyone will be on your side as the victim and the guy as the BAD, unforgiven.

Back to the reason for cheating on him, for texting the men in his presence, while in relationship with him and later on proceeding to have a sexual relationship with another, or others: when you wrote you are always looking for a better guy, what do you mean? Why was THIS man not good enough and why were other men not good enough?

If you explore the motivation, you have an opportunity to heal yourself and have a good relationship in the future. Until you explore, if you do (hope your guilt motivates you to explore!), I think you should not contact him. After all, as long as he is NOT GOOD ENOUGH for you, you owe it to yourself and to HIM, to not contact him, to not try to get back together.

Hoping to read another post from you in efforts of… exploration!

anita

December 2, 2015 at 9:24 am #88709

ameliau
Participant

Thanks for the reply Inky and Anita.

I wanna clarify what I said about I always wanna look for a better guy. This feeling only came after the big fight that we had. I believe we were good as a couple before the hitting. I never thought that he is not good enough before that.

I didn’t look for a better guy by texting other people before the fight. I never thought about dating with any of them as my boyfriend and I was still having a good relationship. To my boyfriend, the act of texting is “cheating” already. Similar to what you think, he sees it like searching for a better option. But this kind of idea came only after the hitting. I lost confidence in our relationship. I had a constant fear that he might hit again although he promised not to. Later on whenever he is mad, he still threw stuff around and turned the tables sometimes. And that’s where I began to look for a better guy since I guess I was insecure in the relationship.

I am really not blaming him for anything. I understand it’s purely my mistake to cheat. I am guilty to cheat on him. I am also guilty for not communicating well with my boyfriend so that I wouldn’t be that insecure. The way I see him after hitting is that he is not emotionally stable and sometimes out of control for his temper. That’s the side that I think he is not good enough. I really should help him out. I did ask him to go for a therapist, but he refused. He believed he could control it.

I think we both did something very wrong to each other. If he can really get control for his temper, I think he is still the one for me. And I promise myself every day that I will not cheat on anybody from now on. It’s just too bad to hurt other people. I am still finding a way to heal myself and to let go of what happened…

ameliau

December 2, 2015 at 9:50 am #88714

Anonymous
Guest

Dear ameliau:

If you did not think your ex bf was not good enough as well as boyfriends before him, as was my understanding, and if you texted other guys in his presence only ONCE and stopped when he expressed to you- non violently- how much it bothered him, and if him hitting you that once was part of a repeating violent behavior then stay away from him and be happy he is not interested in having contact with you!

In this case, I hope you learn what you need to learn, one is leaving a relationship before getting involved with another. Learn and once you learn, no reason to hold on to guilt- it should be there only for teaching you something, so that you learn something important for better functioning in the future.

You wrote that you are still finding a way to heal yourself, from what is it you are trying to heal yourself from?

anita

December 2, 2015 at 4:54 pm #88752
ameliau
Participant
Dear Anita,

When he expressed his concern about me texting other guys, I avoided talking to them already. He hit me because he thought I didn’t have a clear cut with them. So I blocked them after the fight. After that, he didn’t trust me still and when we had arguments, he would be quite angry sometimes to throw things on the floor. He broke my phone and camera one time. I’m not sure if it’s also part of the violent behaviour.

And I believe if I can truly forgive what he did and cope with his temper properly, I would not do such a selfish act of cheating. I have issues of forgiving and trusting people after the hitting I guess. And this is what I wanna heal from. Any good way to let go of the past?

I learn from this break up that I have to be faithful and honest to my partner no matter how bad the situation is. But I still feel very low self esteemed every day I wake up. I feel worthless and I don’t deserve a happy relationship anymore. It’s hard to see that I would have a bright future. How to think more positively?
- This reply was modified 9 years ago by ameliau.
December 2, 2015 at 6:34 pm #88761

Cueva
Participant

Dear ameliau,

I broke up with my girlfriend about half a year ago and your story is surprisingly similar to mine (except that I didn’t hit her). I really know how it’s like to see the relationship with a loved one go from “awesome” to “total shitstorm” while you can’t actually do something to ‘fix’ it (the feeling of being powerless and hopeless). After 6 months more or less, I got a lot of time to think about my past relationship: the things I did wrong, the things she did wrong, the reasons why it didn’t work out, everything. I ended up realizing that everything happens for a reason. Breaking up isn’t necessarily bad if you look at it with the right eyes. I try everyday to not make the same mistakes I once did and I try to learn from everything tha she had to teach me while in a relationship with her. Your relationship wasn’t worthless or in vain. There is always the chance to be together again with your loved one and work it out this time but, as TinyBuddha once posted, ‘Relationships last not because they were destined to last. Relationships last long because two people made a choice to keep it, fight for it and work for it’. So always look at the bright side of things, you may not be with him now but you have the tools to make yourself a better person and consequently have a better relationship in the future (with him or anybody else, there’s always someone for another one). Things may look dark, hard and sad now but, things will pass and it will get better. After that things will get bad again and that’s the beauty of life: it gives you the opportunity to live for improving yourself by being stronger, smarter and happier everyday. Things will get better, and remember: everything happens for a reason, when a door closes, dozens of other doors open, you just have to stop staring at the closed door and look around. Be happy, I wish all the best for you.

PS: sorry for any mispelling or english mistakes, good vibes from Brazil 🙂
Luv u

December 2, 2015 at 8:46 pm #88765
Seaisland
Participant
this is going to be harsh. I am sorry but I have to tell you my truth.

if you had broken up with him when he hit you–would your ego have let it be over– but its different now because you did a “bad” thing.

Was there ongoing drama constantly in the relationship? I don’t think there is any good reason for you to try to get him back. I have loved someone to the point I thought I would quit breathing–but there was still air. Didn’t die. It wasn’t real. It wasn’t healthy love. I was immature and no matter how many times I tried to throw sparkly pixie dust over the train wreck–we were still a train wreck.
I don’t think you and he are meant to be. –forget about the soul mate business. I believe you consciously or not were testing your effect on him and other men.
The man is not going to blossom into a good man who doesn’t hit or say degrading things to you. that ship has sailed.

Do something healthy and fun(-and that does not mean going out trying to attract another man) forgive yourself, own what you want to change and take a step toward the sun.
- This reply was modified 9 years ago by Seaisland.
December 3, 2015 at 2:51 am #88777

ameliau
Participant

Thank you Cueva for bringing the positive energy here. I’m not a naive English speaker either so excuse my grammar.

It’s sad to know your story but I see that you’ve probably got over it and had good reflection on the past issues. Thanks for sharing your story so that the recovery path looks near to me. You are right that I should focus on improving myself rather than trying hard to get back with him. Take it as a lesson and move on!

I hope that you are doing well and ready for a new relationship!

December 3, 2015 at 3:02 am #88778

ameliau
Participant

Dear Seaisland,

Thanks for your kind advice. I think you are probably right that I should look back more closely and evaluate the relationship that I had with my ex. It might not be good for both of us to get back together.

And yes the most important thing for me to do is to learn the lesson and be a better me. I shouldn’t be too worried for going back with him. And I shouldn’t try a new relationship before I’ve truly changed and I have to be sure that I will never do something this bad again!

I think I will completely forgive and accept myself by the time that I can be very certain about my loyalty.

December 3, 2015 at 4:39 am #88779

Seaisland
Participant

You are a beautiful soul who will find her way and stumble and fall…get back up and try again. I just don’t want you to put yourself thru more pain in this relationship.
love and light
blesseth be

December 3, 2015 at 8:35 am #88788

Anonymous
Guest

Dear ameliau:

Throwing and breaking things, like your ex boyfriend did, is violence. Having a short temper, not controlling his anger enough to not hurt another, to not break things, should be a MAJOR concern for you, not only for your own safety but IF you have a child or children with him, YOU will be responsible for any way he may be violent with them! You don’t want him hurting your future child or to teach a future child how to NOT react to the emotion of anger. Be a responsible mother to your FUTURE children, if you intend to have any.

anita

December 4, 2015 at 5:04 am #88857

ameliau
Participant

Many thanks for your words anita. You helped me to see my situation in another perspective. Right now i really have to be responsible for all my acts and improve myself. Although it’s difficult, I hope to see a better future soon!

December 4, 2015 at 7:59 am #88866

Anonymous
Guest

Dear ameliau:

You are very welcome, ameliau. Please do post anytime as this self improvement you are talking about is a long process. As long as I am here, I am interested in reading more from you as time goes on, anytime.

anita
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