Hi Gabrielle,

You were in a relationship but not married, correct? Well, this is what dating is for ~ to see if you’re compatible for marriage (in my old fashioned mind). So you apologizing to his family, your family and the church ~ well, it’s no one else’s business! Of course the only person who will need/want to give you forgiveness is your boyfriend.

Unfortunately, this affair (it’s not called an “affair” unless you are married, it is really just “cheating”) your boyfriend (yes, he is just a boyfriend) he will hold over your head. It gives him fodder to fight over.

Well, for his sake AND your sake, I advise that you break up with him. He will be shocked, hurt, upset. After all, YOU broke the rules, so YOU are the bad guy, and YOU are breaking up with HIM!?! Impossible!

This will put him in his place on a very real level. He is not your husband. You are a free agent. You should have cast each other free or moved on to a marital relationship after three years. Subconsciously you cheated because you are still searching for your nest.

This will do two things: It will force BOTH of you time to heal (give it a year) and it will force him NOT to have this actively over your head! You apologized. You shouldn’t have done it. You’re done.

Then, you have to forgive YOURSELF. Tell yourself, “This is not who I am.” Then find another person (or go back to him but give it AT LEAST a year so you can truly start over) and do it right this time. Get married. Settle down. Start a family.

From my Old Fashioned Self,

Inky