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Dear Rose:
Journaling is good but is not enough. You need healing within the context of an actual relationship with another person. Maybe a good psychotherapist. You need someone to listen to you, to ask you questions, gently, to SEE you, inside, to validate you, to help you see that you are not weird or crazy but that what you feel makes sense. And it is so, what you feel does make sense if you have insight and understand what happened in your young life and how you understandably reacted then. And how those reactions still operate in the present out of habit, although they are not working for you anymore.
You wrote: “I still felt left out, unimportant,invisible It’s like everything I do is wrong”- there is no doubt in my mind (!) that you felt left out, unimportant and invisible as a young child, and that you were told in some convincing way that you were wrong. I have no doubt it happened- not that you imagined it happened- but that indeed it happened to Rose the Child.
And Rose the Child is still.. is you. You see the rejecting parent or care taker in other people, leaving you out, treating you as unimportant. Sometimes they do, often they just don’t pay attention to what they are doing, what they are looking at, engaged in their own thinking, spaced out. But you IMAGINE they are thinking about you and seeing you are weird.
All along it is you who are thinking those things because they happened to you in childhood, during the years your brain was forming (“formative years”)
If you would like you can post more, write more, because you like to write and NEED to be seen, through your writing. When I am back to the computer, I will attentively read what you write and respond thoughtfully. Maybe others will too. Maybe you can write about those early experiences of being taught you were unimportant.. and your current relationship with the people who taught you that (untrue) thing,
anita