Dear Roxanna:

His expectation, as I understand it, that you and him will always be affectionate and intimate, emotionally close, or at least that the two of you will be so every time he needs it, is unreasonable. What he expects is unrealistic.. with any human being on the face of this earth.

No two people can be close all the time. It is impossible. Everything is in motion, it is the nature of the physical world, even rock molecules are in constant (slow) motion, moving away and closer to each other all the time, none stop.

It is not natural for either rock molecules or people to be the same all the time, to stop moving, always close.

Your need to be alone at times is reasonable and the funny thing is he has the same need, only not at the same times you do.

He left Ohio because he didn’t get his always-close need met there either. He most likely was not close enough, loved by his parents and that need for closeness lingers and has become extreme.

There is healing to be done. Through couple or one to one therapy, for him and/or through good communication between the two of you. Like you mentioned, he does need to take responsibility for his feelings. As long as he blames you for the feelings he had before he met you (!), the rift will continue and he will accomplish the opposite of what he wants.

His behavior is not effective for his self interest. He needs closeness and he is achieving the opposite. If you cannot deliver this message to him, good psychotherapy may be necessary.

What do you think so far?

anita