Dear Lily:

I was there: in that kind of confusion that you describe, these thoughts and… these experiences, very much so, unfortunately. I know how confusing and distressing it is. But there is hope. This very morning I felt that kind of distress, this not-knowing, but then I reminded myself that I am still on the healing path, that I have come a long way, and that there is still a way to go and I will be walking this healing path for the rest of my days. The more clarity I get, the more there is to see. There is no ending point where I saw everything there is to see, to understand.

I hope you get on this path, you are already there: in the first few lines you stated very CLEARLY where you are at and this is the beginning of the path, the first three lines. You are very honest and you are ready to proceed.

You made good observations throughout your post. The guy you were involved with, he may very well be confused himself. I have no doubt that he is. He was taught things that are not true and those teachings are confusing him, just like you observed so well.

The thing is to evaporate your own confusion, bit by bit, you have to focus on yourself, and not on understanding him. It is your brain in between your ears, not his brain, so your best bet out of the confusion of a lifetime, is in focusing on your brain.

At this point, when you evaluate a man, focus on his behavior not on his motivations and feelings. He may be lying to you or confused himself, not a good source of information about what is going on. There is good inside every person, even in the hardest criminals… they have their moments of being loving as well.

Focus on observable behavior, and so you keep it as simple as possible:when the guy pressures you to have sex with him, ignoring the discomfort you expressed, the ambivalence, then this is unloving behavior on his part. Loving behavior would be to invite you to talk while he sits in front of you, not trying to bed you. Inviting you to talk safely about your ambivalence, inviting your honest feelings. And only proceed sexually if, after long enough a time, you are no longer ambivalent.

When he called a non virgin woman who is not married “garbage”- this is something he was taught from an early age. It is not his fault he was taught that, but it is not your fault either. The best and most you can do is tell him: this is not true. Or ask him to explain what he said. Again, have a conversation. Wrong thing to do (for your own well being) would be to have sex with him because.. it is not his fault the way he thinks.

I like you searching for good psychotherapy. What do you think about what I wrote so far? I hope to read from you soon. Every time I do, I will reply and hope we can communicate again and again.

anita