Dear Ladybug:

Here are the last three lines of your post above: “I feel that with your last post you are starting to border into telling me this is how my parents are only getting a glimpse from my perspective about their behavior. I appreciate your support, but I need to draw my own conclusions about their behavior for myself.”

I am very impressed by how well you asserted yourself in these three lines, very impressed. You asserted yourself in a respectful way, not being disrespectful or abusive in any way. You asserted yourself non apologetically, that is without adding words like…”I am sorry but…”, qualifiers like that. Your assertion was straightforward, factual, simple to understand… none accusatory. This is very rare in my experience, very refreshing to come across such well put together assertion. I would say most people feeling discomfort about a post like you felt, most people probably wouldn’t even write back.. and some would have responded with put downs and even name calling.

I am so authentically impressed. Now I know there is a lot I can learn from you. This motivates me to want to have further communication with you. And although this is what I want, I am very aware that you need to be motivated to, that you will respond back if you think there is something important you can learn as well. (Win-Win)

It is uncomfortable to receive criticism, even one so well done like yours. My discomfort is: I did something wrong, I did something stupid… and there is that threatening feeling that everything I ever thought could be a mistake. But then, I realize there is enough confidence in me, justified confidence (because I earned it through hard work of the last five years), that I can withstand this criticism, learn from it, improve and go on learning.

You are correct in your criticism of me. I did project too much of my experience into yours and in so doing, I assumed too much without checking. It is not wise and it is not helpful to you. It is a hindrance, not help.

So, now I will try to do it better, responding to the rest of your above post. You mentioned your mother apologizing. I learned that not all apologies are created equal: some people apologize for anything and everything that has nothing to do with them, like a hiccup. And some people, when they intentionally hurt someone, when they apologize for what they did wrong, they use the apology to deliver an additional punch.

Do some of your mother’s apologies fit into the above? Are some of them sincere, that is, she stating what she did wrong and trying to fix it?

I was also wondering if you can elaborate on what it feels like confronting her, you used the word “stupid” and “crazy”- can you write more about that?

anita