You’re so right. I cannot change this man. I’ve been trying for the last 6 years, but still kept sending my child along with him in the hope that something will click. He got the best of both worlds; time with his child, and the freedom to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants it. Yet, I’ve worked my a$$ of trying to do the right thing by everyone.
Woah…. Earlier I mentioned about him surrounding himself with family and friends who enable him. Well, just this second, as I typed that last sentence, I have realised that I HAVE BEEN DOING EXACTLY THE SAME THING! #epiphany lol

I can’t keep his child from him forever. The law won’t allow me to do that. The best I can do is buy myself some time. The counselling, etc I have requested are just band aids (assuming he chooses to go through with it). The mediator said to me (privately) “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink”, and he’s right. He won’t change unless that’s what he wants… I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want that, and that’s something that I can’t accept. He wants his cake and to eat it too. If the roles were reversed, I would do all those things in a heartbeat (in fact, I have attended many parenting classes and counselling sessions off my own back, and without being required to by anyone other than myself). I would walk over broken glass if it meant I could regularly see my child – every time. Heck, I overcame my own addictions for the wellbeing of my child. It’s not as if I don’t understand what it’s like. I know it can be done, and that’s what makes it so hard to come to terms with.

You’re right about being the calm mother. I am in distress, but I’m proactively trying to figure out ways to fix that. Is forgiveness the key? Something else? I just don’t know how to accept the things I can’t change. I feel so helpless and I’m tired of fighting. I want out of the situation, and unless he makes the decision himself to remove himself completely from our lives, there is nothing more I can do. I just want to be free of his shackles and be able to move on with my life. I want to be healthy and happy again. I desperately want to be able to work towards my life goals that have been put on hold for the last 6 years, and seem like they’re slowly slipping away to the point where I now question whether or not they’re still realistic. I need to find the silver lining in all of this. I need hope.

Gaaaaaaah! Here’s that pity-party again!

Thanks for being patient with me. This has been a pretty good outlet.