You’re right. Too much of my emotional energy is going towards the wrong things.

The problem is, my child is my life, and his father will forever be a part of him. I’m having a huge amount of trouble separating the two of them.

I don’t think I’m focusing on him to avoid my own shortcomings. I’m fully aware of what they are and am actively trying to change things – He is not, and that’s possibly part of the reason why I’m concentrating on him so much.

My own family is just as dysfunctional. My own father is somewhat of an alcoholic, who has always been emotionally distant, and had a 15 year on-and-off affair throughout my childhood, and well into my teens. My mother knew about this other woman, but stayed with my dad “for the kids”. The second my youngest sibling finished high school, she moved out. There are some parallels. I take what my mom says to me with a grain of salt. She is a “people pleaser” and believes I should give my ex what he wants to keep the peace.

There is no doubt that my situation is complicated. I recently described my life to my therapist as a “giant, tangled ball of string, and The more you try and pull on the ends to Detangle it, the tighter it gets”.

Thank you for the compliments. You’re too kind.

It’s really hard to come up with any sort of plan for the immediate future, because I’m pretty much in limbo right now. I have no idea what move (if any) he’s going to make next. The ball is in his court to organise and facilitate my mediation requests. In the meantime, I’m driving myself insane with “what ifs”. I feel like I have to be prepared for every single scenario that may or may not take place. I cannot be caught off guard.