Dear Viloet:

You are welcome and thank you for your words of appreciation!

Two things that come to my mind regarding your last post:

Regarding the divulging, the kind of “vomiting” of everything in his mind, everything in one’s mind and heart: I assume he has a lot on his mind and heart and it came up and out like much like when someone has too much food in their stomach, it comes up. That can be unpleasant, literally and figuratively. Once he talks to much and it is distressing to you, tell him kindly: this is too much for me. You can discuss it ahead of time, this too much divulging (as you had) but come up with a phrase to use when it becomes too much. “Too much for me.” Some phrase, so you both know what it means. He owes you to stop talking beyond what is comfortable for you to bear. Same the other way around. The two of you asserting yourselves is always a Win-Win. It may seem like if you let him talk and talk… and talk, it will be good for him, but not so: your distress listening to so much is going to act against your own well being and against the well being of the relationship.

Remember the A in the EAR.

Second thing that comes to mind (I am in a rush, need to go on a walk…) is that you apologized for what you are not responsible for. He felt disrespected by you not because you did something wrong and disrespected him but because he was disrespected in his past and he inaccurately projected that experience on you. So him taking responsibility for his feelings and core beliefs means that he is not inaccurately projecting them unto you. So, I wouldn’t make a habit of apologizing for his inaccurate projections. Point those to him, let him be responsible for those.

Till later:

anita