I’ll do my best to be succinct, there’s a lot of information swirling in my head and I’m not sure what to delete.

I’m a 38 year old female, never married, no children, back at school to get another degree. I would like a child (not by IVF) and I would like to be married. My parents don’t have the kind of relationship I would like: they are not great at communicating with each other or with us, my dad has always been more active in helping other people than our family (even simple things like changing a light fixture that’s not working, he has the know how), my mum has insecurity issues that carry over from her childhood and from being with my dad who is often prone to temper tantrums. Especially when things aren’t as he want’s them to be.

I’ve been on-line for about three months. I’m not interested in dating for fun, but with the intention of something serious. I was contacted by someone early January, and things seemed to line up. There were some negatives and positives to his profile, but the communication was good and I met up with him. The things that I thought were negatives were cleared up and the positives seemed pretty good. The first outing we had drinks, went walking and ended up at his condo because he needed something warmer. He was a gentleman. It was cold and he gave me some options including go to the rec area and play a bit of pool. It thought that would be nice and we did. But then the conversation started getting quite serious about dating history, how difficult on-line dating is, that I don’t kiss people easily, the expectations and so on. It was difficult for me because I’m a rather guarded person but earlier I had decided I want to try to be more open and vulnerable and do things differently than I had before. It was tough but worked out. After, we got a snack and hung out in the lobby area, near a fireplace, chatting. It was good overall and I was looking forward to seeing him again.

The next day he texted me something and we had a normal random, fun interaction. The day after, I hadn’t heard from him so I messaged something about the weather, he invited me out again, I accepted and he said he was surprised I accepted because he didn’t think I was interested. It turns out he had this feeling because I didn’t kiss him and because I made a light joke about his tummy which he took very badly–he has some health issues (which I’ve learned about and I’ll get to in a bit). Fair enough, it was inappropriate but I was comfortable with him, I didn’t mean to be rude, and I didn’t think about what I was doing. I explained and apologized. He said something about having a chat, so later on that evening, I called him.

We ended up having almost a 6 hour discussion interrupted a couple of times by my battery dying. We cleared up the stuff about the tummy, and I had had an idea from a Steve Harvey program where couples dated exclusively for 30 days and saw each other 2/3 times a week and communicated every day. After having a big convo about all those things that people are scared about but don’t ask: have you been to jail, cheated, what do you think about monogamy etc., we were on the same page. So, I suggested the 30 day thing. He was on board. Then added no sex. I was okay with that and suggested only above the waist. He got upset about that. So I said fine, because really I don’t mind. One other thing we decided to do, was have a weekly phone chat check in on Mondays–what’s something that brought you happiness, what’s something that was hard, what’s something left unsaid, what can I do for you this week. (I found these questions online somewhere and thought they made sense–I really want to be able to communicate well with my partner.)

We met on Tuesday, I went to his place, basically to pick him up because I had an appointment in his area and he had to finish up some stuff at home (he works at home). When I got there he had to finish cooking something (that I don’t eat) so it wouldn’t spoil. Anyway, we ended up kissing and making out for quite a while and had some lovely, light conversation. He made me a nice soup because it ended up being too late to go out. So, now things are going well. He’s comfortable because he knows I’m attracted to him (the chemistry is great). I’m comfortable because I know he’s not ho-ing around and we’re on track to getting to know each other for the purposes of a serious relationship that may lead to marriage. That’s what we both want (though not necessarily with each other, it’s still getting to know you stage.)

Anyway, the rest of the week was good. First monday check in went well. The next week was good as well. More fun talk, more physical closeness, eating out, saw an exhibit, watched all the old starwars, at his place, so I could know the story (really great) and then watch the one in the theatre. So, all the talknig, we’re getting to know each other really, really well. Maybe too fast. End of second week, Friday, we out, went to his place saw SW, no hanky panky because it was getting too intense. Saturday we were both exhausted from our late Friday and our Saturday obligations but we met and he showed up panicky because he thought he lost his wallet. We back tracked to his place and he had left it in his room. He hadn’t eaten, but I had but I could have a soup so we went out. Ended up going to the grocery, he picked up stuff for the next day, and didn’t go to a restaurant. Went back to his place, had some other snack, got intimate (not intercourse) and then he wanted to watch SW. I said okay, but I’m going to sleep over–my place is quite far from his–and it’s not going to be a habit. We had a good night. The next day am was good. We were cozy in the am, waking up late, then finished the movy, had some snacks, showered, went out to eat. It was really late and I had work to do but the library was closed so he suggested to go back to his place. I agreed but said I had to have a little nap and then we had to cuddle a bit because he brought up some intense discussion about child & birth at the restaurant and it was a bit difficult and exhausing so I feel like cuddling-it-out would help.

After that the eventing went totally downhill. I was crying a bit because he had told me about his sleep apnea and that he would likely die of a stroke and die early. I didn’t realize he was awake. He asked me about it I liked and said my nose was dry, anyway, ended up telling him it made me upset. We started talking and he started getting stuff off his chest. Like how he’s fulfilled all his obligations–taking care of his mum until she died. That after he did the same for his dad (because he promised his mum) that he could go. That he saw himself with only another 10-20 years. I was crying when he said that it made me so sad. I’m not normally this crying type of person.

During this time, and before he has told me a lot of his problems. At this period it ramped up . He told me how his sleep apnea problem, how he has severe sinusitus and that in combo with the sleep apnea he was often out of commission for weeks at a time, he spent last year at many, many doctors, none can help him. They say he needs to loose weight but he’s having a hard time loosing the weight. His dad started drinking heavily in high school, he begged his mum to leave his dad, she said he was hard to live with too, his sister only calls him when she needs something. He’s tired all the time because of the sleeping thing. He lost a lot of his friends because their (married with children) lifestyles. He’s lonely, ill, lost his job a couple of years ago because he fixed all the problems where he was working and they didn’t want to keep paying him. He decided to do his own thing — he owns property and invests but because of the market this year he’s lost a ton of money and he’s worried about his future especially now he can’t find a job. Everyone leaves him because of these difficulties. He felt like eventually I would find out so better now than later. Thorough some of this it was okay, then he started getting quite angry and I decided to leave. He told me to wait because it’s dangerous for me to walk (it is) but something inside of me had just … I don’t know, not snapped but I couldn’t anymore. So I kept telling him no, I’ll be okay. He’s a gentleman, even when upset and insisted. I don’t know what happened but when we were at the door he snapped and said I could be like everyone else and leave him, he gave me a small push (but I wasn’t afraid of him at any point) said he would walk me to the train and then come back and jump off the balcony. I walked to the elevator and by the time it came he was saying something else. I don’t remember. It was late and I was overloaded. We both were. When we left the building I just started crying. I was so heart broken over everything. How he’s been treated. How he feels. I just couldn’t stop crying. He had calmed down when we were outside and he apologized straight away, he shouldn’t have yelled, that I shouldn’t be upset because his life sucks, my life is good, and other things that generally fit more with his normal way of acting.

I had to keep walking because I was so upset I couldn’t get to the train and he wouldn’t leave me because he didn’t want me to be in danger. Also I didn’t want to leave on those terms. Eventually I calmed down and could talk to him. We sat on some steps of a church in the cold for a while talking. He couldn’t understand why I was so upset, I told him the truth, I didn’t know. But I also know what it’s like to be kind and helpful to people and they take advantage of you, to be constantly giving and not receiving, to be around a constantly angry parent, to be depressed, to feel like your life isn’t worthwhile, to worry about the future/income/employment, that I sometimes have severe anxiety and sometimes depression. I told him my cousin committed suicide (but I didn’t tell him about my depths of despair, that’s why I understood his moments of hopelessness), about my power/control father. Eventually in the conversation I asked him what he wanted from this, because I didn’t know what to do, I gave him so many chances to leave, and I really like him. He said he wanted a hug and to start over, clean slate. He understood that I could be worried about his anger. I was on board

The next day, Monday, was our check in. He wanted to delay until Tuesday but I was such a wreck, thinking so many things over, that I wanted to just do our stuff quickly. It ended up being another tricky convo because, eventually I think communication styles. I don’t know how to do this, I don’t have any healthy role models. Look what happened to cosby! I’m trying. I felt that after dinner on sunday, when things started going awry, that all the heavy topics he kept introducing them and making confessions that made him upset. He is seeing a professional about his issues, right now twice a month, and working on himself. But he can’t afford to go backwards. Eventually, we did have some fun convo inbetween the heavy stuff (including this thing about having kids, he’s more no than yes mainly because it’s tiring and he’s worried about money), and decided that we would take a break from seeing each other this week (because I have a deadline and he has stuff and we both need to recover from all this intensity). No dates, no texts, no calls. On Sunday we’ll have a talk. But I told hime, I don’t want to have a conversation on Sunday. In my mind, it’s either we stay in or we quit. I’m not used to all this emotion, vulnerability, talking. It was a different outcome than I expected–I thought he wanted to stop seeing me.

I can understand that in black and white the easy thing to say is the guy is not worth my effort but life is not so straightforward. He is a caring, gentleman, kind, person. We get along well. We’re on the same page in terms of lifestyle and major values. We have great chemistry. We have similar personal histories and challenges and similarities. From the very beginning I liked him. That’s why I’ve been in it up until now, because the good is very good. I took all this talking to be a new way to do something, that would hopefully be successful, because the old ways of simple, witty banter were not working when I would then find out: the guy is a cheater, doesn’t want to get married, doesn’t want kids, doesn’t want commitment, is boring, not compatible ….

People see me as strong, but I don’t know about that. I hope that when I’m done with this school thing, hopefully in the next year or so, that I can get a job with a solid income. But I don’t know that I will get something that can support a family by myself– who knows how much further his investments will tank. And I don’t want to be with someone who has anger management problems–but I don’t really know that he does. This intense personal communication has fast-tracked normal aspects of the relationship in a very overwhelming way. Added to his sleeping issues, I don’t want to make rash judgments on what the future will hold. I know I’m certainly not *my normal self* whatever that is really. I’m also scared that he will die in 10 years but I realized I’d rather 10 blissful years, than not at all.

Thank you for reading all of this. I don’t have anyone to talk with about this. If you have any suggestions, comments, insight, questions, or anything else that can help me, I’d really appreciate it.