Definitely habit.
It’s the first thing I think of when waking up, and the last thing I think of before going to sleep. If it’s not him directly, it’s the situation. I’m constantly going through my mind: “how can I make this better? What can I do? Who can I speak to? What will happen if I do xyz? Why am I so sick? What do I have to do to fix this? Will it ever stop? What if, what if, what if?!” Everything I do in life is some sort of attempt to claw my way out of the situation. Then, of course there’s the things I am required to do for court and my physical health, which takes up a lot of my mental energy. Lawyers, mediation, collecting evidence, counselling for my child, counselling for myself, doctors appointments, specialist appointments, tests… The list goes on and on!

Some of the professionals I have spoken to have likened it to PTSD. I’m missing out on so much in life because of the anxiety. It makes me depressed and even more anxious, which makes me feel sicker… It’s a perpetual cycle that I need to break, but I don’t know how.