Howdy Amber,
i could say a great deal of things, but i’m not sure what to say, it’s a paradox. I want to help, but have no way of knowing the true pain you feel, all the time. I have never experienced it. I could say things about motivation and inspiration, but honestly, as someone who was diagnosed with depression many years ago, you have to be your own motivation. No matter what people say, until you find the answer from within, you will still continue down the same road. As other users have stated, it’s all about perspective, not everything you have done in your life has truly been bad, right? Mentally, every time we remember something about the past, we change it slightly. Our minds are amazing gifts, but also our worst enemies.

So even though you blanket your past in negativity, was it truly always bad? Were there not times, moments, flickers of hope? Hope is stronger than any force in this world, it’s something that will always remain and can never be taken from you. Hope that tomorrow will be better, not in a couple months or next year. Focus on the next day. Everything, the substance abuse, the attacks are just distractions that are useful to dull the pain, not erase it. The issue unresolved; how do i climb out from this abyss? Your hurting, in fact everyone on these forums is hurting, take comfort in that. Everyone has inner demons, a past that we wish to be forgotten, even if it’s the smallest thing. Your not alone.

Something i did a long time ago, was to look at my reflection in the mirror and have an honest talk with myself. Words are magical, they can break down walls, uplift spirits but most importantly; they connect us with others. connect with yourself. You may have entered this world alone, but you won’t ever be alone again! You have left a mark on others lives, whether you realise it or not. Your perspective is fatalistic, extremes which hinder your growth. You are important, you are worthy of great things. You have power beyond measure, see for yourself. You have connected with a bunch of strangers online. If you have the power to make others care, you have the power to do anything! As long as you breathe, hope will still exist.

Your dealing with hurtful things, that i cannot imagine. But know this, tomorrow is just around the corner. There is always a tomorrow… so what are you going to do with yours?

Good Luck Amber.