Hi Amber,

I am sorry you have to deal with all of the problems happening in your life. From everything you have been through and are facing. Let me try and help. The most important thing you should know is your anxiety is not only curable but is a blessing. If you listen to the advice I will give , you will at least have a “road map” to recovery.

Try and view anxiety as a fuel to activate motavation. It happens often in your case given what looks like traits of OCD and Obsessive thinking patterns. You build walls where there are none and in return suffer from it. It’s not what you have been through that counts but where you are going and that my dear you have power over. Sir Winston Churchill quoted “If ever you find yourself in hell…. keep moving forward.” . What is key to recovery is perspective… You have a choice to continue with the “victim mentality” where blame is put on previous events that were negative in your life to be responsible for the hardships you presently face. Or use the fuel of anxiety to make baby steps to a positive change that will lead to the best possible version of yourself. Your health is important , and your body only has one purpose to defend you from becoming ill. The questions I ask are what “weapons” are you giving your body to properly do its job? If you are in the circle of not eating or binge eating , make sure you are eating properly , healthy foods, fruits and veggies often. Exercise is key as it will release endorphins to better control the chemical imbalance in your brain. Force yourself to stay of the perscription drugs as some of them you listed are extremely addictive and you never want a “drug” to be in control of you , but you always having control over yourself. Willpower is important and you have it , you are fed up with the routine you live and in order to change you need to but in the work. Throughout University I was a major weed smoker , I don’t even think I ever went to a class sober while getting my B.Comm. It is actually a better and more natural option and has positive effects on the body (WBC count goes higer, relaxed etc..) , but when it is what is giving you financial strains , it has to go.

It is all about your state of mind and not building walls or excuses to justify.Again I feel for you on a very real level. But you HAVE to change your lifestyle and start taking the steps in the right direction. Write a journal , regardless of your faith seek help from what is inline with your convictions and comfort. Guided meditation helps , its kind of like turning down the volume from all the thoughts that race through your mind.

Secure your income , Create a C.V apply relentlessly as tasks your job will offer will keep your thoughts busy and you can start making some money to have full independence to never find yourself homeless again. It is not easy work , but it can be done. You owe it to yourself to be happy. It starts with a positive mind set . – Your unknown friend.

Dear AmberKymani:

At about the age of five, that is my first memory of my mother fighting with my father late at night: screaming, throwing things and her screaming that she was going out to the streets to kill herself. That was the first of many times that she threatened with much emotion, histrionics and very, very convincingly that she was going to kill herself. Fifty years later, when it is getting dark and I am alone, I get scared.

And then when she was “home” (” ” because a real home is a safe place, in my definition), she repeatedly attacked me and it came from anywhere and nowhere in particular: she believed I said the wrong thing, or didn’t say the …right thing, or she believed I felt the wrong thing or thought the wrong thing… or did… or didn’t do and she attacked me with shame, blame and even beatings.

Fifty years later, when I am not alone, and I hear a sound, a sigh, when someone looks at me… I get scared.

The first symptoms of my anxiety (ongoing, excess fear) was Tourette Syndrome: those severe motor and vocal tics was my body trying to rid itself of that excess, ongoing fear. Then there was OCD, decades of thoughts and rituals I did to prevent the bad thing from happening… and over time there were eating disorders and other diagnoses.

17 years of psychiatric drugs made me feel better here and there, but my life circumstances got worse. I too was homeless many times. I finally stopped all psychiatric drugs in 2013.

I started on my healing path five years ago with therapy of CBT and Mindfulness. He was the first good enough therapist I came across. I am still in the process, every single day. It is getting better but I noticed the fear, I notice it. I know it is there, only it is not as much. The process for me is extremely long and it requires that I have so much patience.

That excess, ongoing fear, I learned, in the physical reality of the brain, it means that there are many, many connections of fear with many, many other things: I eat-> I feel fear (what if I overeat/ binge as I have done…I feel physical pain-> fear, what if this never goes away. Someone looking at me-> fear and so on and on. Fear is in multiple connections in my brain. And as the years passed, without therapy, it was like a growing snow ball or dirt ball, gathering more and more snow or dirt or mud, more and more symptoms as it rolls down a hill.

If you feel that I can understand, from experience, your anxiety, not every bit of it, but to a great extent, let me know. I will be more than happy to share with you everything I know, everything that worked and works for me!

Take care!

anita

Hi Amber,

My heart breaks reading your story. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this, but I’m also humbled by the things you said. Bulimic until December 2015, which means to me that in February of 2016, you are no longer bulimic. That is a HUGE achievement and should be celebrated. You should be so proud of yourself – of what youve accomplished.

Also I would like to add here, that you are not alone. Just like you and many others on this thread, I have suffered depression and continue to suffer from anxiety and panic attacks.I had trouble at home and with friendships and a variety of other things in my life that are still with me today. My parents didnt believe me when I tried to express my anxiety to them (as they are both doctors and dont believe in psychiatry) and told me I was dramatic. It wasnt until I lost it in the middle of a class in college that I finally started to seek help myself.

I tried a few therapists, I tried talking to friends, I tried writing. All of these things helped, but nothing helped more than the therapist I am with now. He is the first person I have found who seems to speak the same language as me. Who can see where my anxiety comes from and help me to rationalize it. I stayed away from medication for some time but ultimately he put me on a low dose of a medication that helps stop the swirling of thoughts. I still talk to him today, and in the course of a year and a half my panick attacks have gone from several times daily to once a month (if that).

In my (adminittedly limited) experience, finding a professional who could relate to me was my key to feeling human again. I cant say I have answers for you because everyone is different, but I would suggest perhaps trying therapy again, with a different person who may understand you just a bit better. Just having that safe space to talk may help you.

And of course, please continue posting here. I am more than happy to help, to listen, to love, as is everyone else that is here. You have been through so much trauma, but life is also full of beautiful things you should give yourself the chance to see.

Im here for you. We all are.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 10 months ago by Dina.