Hi Anita,

Yes, square one is exactly what you have described above. And I do suppose in a way that was the situation for me as a child too- infact you saying that has actually made me cry for some reason. As I child I didn’t understand emotion and love and security as I didn’t have it in the way a child growing up should. I would say I was this way for many years. From the age of 16 I have had long term relationships, with my second one being very toxic, my third one being the 7 year relationship which although was with a loving a kind person, we never really progressed and in the end we drifted, however throughout this period from about 21-26 I really started feeling happy in myself and able to express my feelings, to love and to feel confident and outgoing, I felt safe and secure- I did also believe we could have worked through the issues, but he did not and it ended. And now my latest, a relationship which really I knew deep down I was not truly happy in, he was not the right person for me but I still carried on hoping that it would work, wanting to feel that happiness I experienced at the start, in a way it was a relief feeling, like thank god I have someone now who I can finally have a good relationship with and yes, I suppose like you say it was a way to avoid being on my own and being lonely.

The day I took last week to just be by myself was really relaxing, I really enjoyed my me time- but was that just because I knew he was coming round later? It wasn’t definitely over at that stage… now I feel lost, unable to concentrate properly, extremely tired- I feel like I have gone back in time, back to when I was not confident or happy.