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How do I make my decision?

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  • #94931
    Amelia_R
    Participant

    Hi,

    I need some help.

    I split up with my long term partner of nearly 7 years last year. It was a horrible thing to go through, but I knew it was the right thing to do, even though it was painful. It was my ex who broke it off and it was a bit of a shock- he said he had been thinking about it for a while and I was angry he didn’t talk to me about it so we could have tried to work through it. He ended up kissing someone else, and made up his mind we needed to break up. Deep down I knew it was the right thing although I did try to see if we could make things work, he was sure we would not so he moved up and we broke up.

    Shortly after the split, I met someone on a night out. I was reluctant to, but we exchanged numbers and then ended up talking frequently. I was not sure if I liked this guy, but when we met up I was pleasantly surprised about how well we got on and how we could talk very freely and openly about lots of things, we started to see each other regularly and things progressed pretty quickly – after our first date we ended up spending the whole weekend together, he even met my parents! I knew things were going quickly, but it felt right, I was happy – he made me feel special which my ex partner did not.

    We soon became official boyfriend and girlfriend and we had sunk in to a routine of seeing each other quite regularly, although it was always at my house since he still lives with his parents and I have two dogs. Whilst this was getting a little bit annoying, I knew there wasn’t really anything we could do about it. One night while we were talking it came out that every now and then he would do drugs on a night out. I said I was OK with it, as I thought he meant maybe once or twice a year. I said he didn’t ever need to hide anything from me and he didn’t, but then I started noticing that the drug use was actually pretty regular – most nights out with his friends, even nights when we were out together, I began to realise that he is actually using drugs far too much than I was happy with… but I just brushed the issue under the carpet because I wanted to be happy with him and I wanted things to work. I started to notice some weird secretive behavior when he was at my house and I began to suspect that he was taking drugs in the morning, after using them the night before. I wasn’t 100% sure on this and did wonder if maybe I was being paranoid. One night he came back to mine after seeing some friends and I noticed he had drugs in his pocket, I checked to see if there was any left and there was. The next afternoon I checked the packet and there was none left. Again, I didn’t confront him about it.

    We went on holiday together and during the holiday I felt uneasy, I was beginning to think I could not trust him and that he would quite happily hide things from me, I mentioned to him about finding drugs in his pocket and I told him that I would not be with someone who does drugs all the time, that I would just end it. He responded to ask would I not just ask him to stop and I said no, I wouldn’t want to be with someone who I needed to ask to change or stop doing something which was bad for them.

    After the holiday there were a few incidents: I found a half used cigarette in the car- like the tobacco had been used for smoking drugs. I asked him about it and he said it was a friend who rolled a joint in his car. Another time I found a half used one in his cigarette pack- again, he put it down to a friend at the pub must have used it.

    There were other times where I felt he was using drugs the morning after, I eventually confronted him about it but he denied it, he said maybe I am just a suspicious or paranoid person.

    One day we were sitting on the sofa and a friend called his phone, he answered and I heard the friend ask if he could get him any drugs. He said no he is not around. When he put the phone down he said to me it was just his friend asking if he wanted to go for a drink. I confronted him there and then as I knew that was not what the friend said, I asked why did he lie? He got quite annoyed, said he just didn’t want an argument and knew if he told me the truth I would think he was a drug dealer, this that and the other and then he ended up just leaving. He messaged me but I stood my ground saying it was wrong for him to lie, he kept saying it was just a small irrelevent lie and he would never lie about anything important to do with our relationship, he just lied because he didn’t want to hassle. He came round the next day and I said I don’t want him to lie to me about anything- he eventually kind of agreed and said sorry but after the sorry there was always a “but” anyway we eventually sorted it, but the seed of doubt was planted, I knew that he could lie to me and has probably lied about other things.

    Not long after I saw a message to his friend saying “she caught me the next day and was not impressed” which I can only assume was relating to the day I confronted him about the drugs and he denied it- so to me that message shows that I was actually right when I confronted him, but he out right lied to my face and denied it.

    I knew I needed to end things, but it took me a while to do it. Eventually I did. But not long after he came around and completely broke down and told me the drug use had gotten out of control, he didn’t want to be doing it anymore, he wanted to change, he was being really open and he was crying and he thanked me for being honest with him about everything. I decided to give him another chance which leads us to where we are now. I feel like the relationship has been tainted by these lies and although I want it to work and I want to be happy with him, I am not sure if I can or if I should? I am constantly checking my phone to hear from him- when I don’t I worry, when I do I feel happy- I am always worrying now if he really is where he says he is or doing what he says hes doing, basically I don’t trust him anymore and all this worry is causing me stress and pain- he seems to be all I think about, and not in a good way. I feel down about the relationship and myself – but then when we are together things feel OK and I look at him and think about the fact that I love him- it’s like my head is saying this is wrong but my heart is telling me to keep hold of him, I have so many different feelings and thoughts that keep going around in my head and I just can’t decide what to do.

    On top of this, there is another guy on the scene who I know really likes me. We don’t know each other too well but have been messaging since I joined a dating site after splitting up with my previous ex. We have a lot in common – more so I would say than my current boyfriend, but then again I don’t really know him too well so we may not be well suited at all, I just don’t know. After thinking I knew my current boyfriend and then finding out he lied to me so easily has just made me begin to question everything I know. I have met this other guy twice and have had a really lovely time with him and I do feel like I want to see and get to know him more, but obviously this cannot happen whilst I am still in a relationship with someone else. I know he wants to progress more and he messages me a lot but I don’t know if this is making things worse for me and my current boyfriend. Sometimes I have a strong urge to just break everything off with my now partner so I can be free to get to know this other guy more with whom I do feel there could be potential with but then other times I have a strong feeling to just put my faith in to my current partner and see what happens and if I can learnt to trust him. I really don’t know what to do, I am scared if I break up with him now that I could be ruining a chance of us being happy together and working through the issues and I am scared about missing him and sad to loose what we had, or maybe what I thought I had? But then I also feel like what I have potential to be happy with this other guy, or even someone else? I can’t see in to the future so I just don’t know what the right thing to do is. Although friends and family are hinting that I do need to end things with my current boyfriend, there is still something that’s keeping me there with him. Every morning I wake up with this huge feeling of dread and I feel like I don’t even want to get out of bed. This is all I can think about at the moment. Sometimes my current boyfriend makes me feel really happy and secure, but other times I can’t shake this feeling of worry that things are not right.

    Also I have been avoiding the other guys messages because of what is going on and that is making me feel bad too.

    I need some help with working out how I decide what the right thing to do is!

    #94932
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Amelia_R,

    Sometimes people need “little hurts” for them to permanently change their behavior. He may think drugs and lying (all once in a while, of course *sarcasm*) are no big deal. But you bet your butt he will remember the time when his amazing girlfriend broke up with him over it! Then, every time he lights up, every time he sees his “friends”, every time he buys (or sells!) he cannot help but to think of the one big thing he lost over all these “little” things ~ you!!

    You are actually giving him the greatest gift of love. Sometimes love means sacrifice. Tell him that you can’t deal with the drugs and the lying anymore. That you are taking a break. To call you in 2017. You may be available, he may not. He may be available, you may not. He may be still using. He might not. But if there is a slim chance for him to be clean and with you in the future, THAT will give him something to fight for!

    Then, yes, go out with this other guy.

    Let’s say that your BF does move on and sees someone else. Guess what? She, too, will think it is getting old. The older we get, the less tolerance ANYONE has for this crap. Even his “friends” will grow out of it. Eventually, yes, he will become a regular person. I hope.

    Blessings,

    Inky

    #94933
    Amelia_R
    Participant

    Thank you Inky 🙂 I really appreciate that. I do feel like I need to break away, but it’s just finding the strength to I suppose and also, being sure about my decision. I am so afraid of making the wrong choice and having regrets! Do you think that if someone can lie and hide things the way he has, then it means that is the way they always will be and that they cannot change? Does it make them a bad person do you think? For me to be lied to makes me feel like he doesn’t really love me or consider me a priority? And since agreeing to give him another chance all I can feel is worry that I will be lied to again, that he doesn’t truly care- a few days I questioned him about a phone call he avoided whilst with me. I asked who it was and he replied to say it was the same friend who I mentioned in my previous post, so naturally I felt suspicious of that, as soon as I asked him who it was and what he wanted and why he did not take the call, he got really defensive and said I should trust him. We had a bit of an argument, he said he fees like I always need to get my own way- it felt like everything was turned on to me, but I wasn’t the one who lied and hid things in the past, it was him, it was his fault that I now feel this way and his actions that made me want to end things- but after that argument I was the one who felt guilty and upset, I knew he was off with me and I wanted to make it right and then since then I have just been worried that I shouldn’t have been suspicious I should have faith and now that I have shown I don’t have faith that, it has made him think less of me.

    Before that afternoon, things were actually going well. I was being positive and being extra thoughtful towards him, appreciating little things he had done as I could see he was making an effort and in turn I could see his positive reactions and we felt closer than we had been for a while. But then after the argument this weekend it’s like another step back and I’m back to that horrible stage again. Maybe I am trying to fight a losing battle, I just don’t know, I just find it hard to give up trying in case something really good could come out of it. But all of these little hiccups are putting strain on this relationship, which isn’t even 6 months old yet- should I keep fighting? Do you think it would be possible to go back to how we were before when I felt happy and secure with him?

    #94937
    Inky
    Participant

    Well, for me personally, drugs are a deal breaker. Now, I’m not perfect, so I’m not being all judge-y! I have minor children, and I have already seen first hand death, addiction, prison records and ruined lives among their peers. And to be (I’m assuming) in your twenties and people continue with that nonsense? It’s just not worth it!

    And the lying? It doesn’t matter what the person is lying about, where is the bond if that trust is broken?

    Deep down when people know you are right, their defenses come out and try to turn it around to look like you’re the one with a problem.

    I think he MAY change, eventually, but you are not the one to make him do the right thing or wait around until he grows up. You CAN leave. Then maybe revisit the situation with a fresh perspective in the future.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by Inky.
    • This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by Inky.
    #94948
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Amelia_R:

    I noticed the troubling shift between: he (the boyfriend) did something wrong (ongoing drug use and lying to you) to: I (Amelia) am doing something wrong: not trusting him, harassing him, being paranoid and whatnot. This is where the trap is: he manipulated you to turn the blaming finger at yourself and you took it in and doing it yourself. Now the situation is (not entirely, I hope) set to you taking the blame and therefore the job is for you to straighten out your own self so that the relationship can work. What a twisting of reality!

    For him to heal from his addiction and other issues, he needs to take full responsibility for his issues and not blame you. Any hint of him blaming you is an indication that he is not on the path of healing.

    If I was you, I would take time off from this relationship, at the least, separate for a per-determined time and wait and see how he progresses in healing… if he does (communicate at times and check on what actions he is taking, support groups he is attending, different people he is associating with) and at the same time you can get together with the other guy and explore that possibility.

    anita

    #94952
    Amelia_R
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks for that and yes, I see the twist of reality as well. I see what he has done/ is doing is wrong and the lies and deceit, there are so many warning signs telling me to end this, but for some reason I cannot find the courage and I don’t know whether it’s because I’m scared of doing the wrong thing or because I feel that there could be a chance… when I ended it with him before I was strong and sure, but for some reason now I feel really uncertain and just unable to make a decision. I’m doubting myself, I don’t know how to be sure of what to do?

    Thanks Inky, yes I felt that after he got so defensive that it was because he had something to hide, after all if he did not, then why did he not just take the call in front of me? He said he should be allowed to not take a call if he doesn’t want to, which again was making out like I was trying to tell him what to do.

    I guess the thing is, after her opened up I said I would give him a chance- so feel it would be wrong to end it again without really giving it a go? I have so many different thoughts and feelings going around in my head I am just finding it impossible, I feel like I am incapable of making a decision, I feel like I can’t trust my feelings, I don’t know if what I am feeling is real or if I am fooling myself into feeling or thinking something, I’m questioning everything I think and feel and it’s just left me so confused!

    #94956
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Amelia_R:

    His manipulation, in addition to previous self doubts, worked in creating this situation where you are paralyzed with fear and confusion.

    You wrote that you don’t want to spoil a chance that something good will come out of this. What is that something good that might come out of this?

    anita

    #94962
    Aislynn
    Participant

    Amelia_R,

    I have to say that I agree with Inky and Anita, you need to take a break from your relationship from him. I also agree with Anita that he manipulated you.

    He tried to twist things around and blame you for being paranoid and suspicious. You have every right to be suspicious of his actions, he has to earn your trust back, it is not simply given to him because he said he’d change. Change takes time, and little by little he should be working on proving to you that he meant what he said. Until then, you have every right to be cautious and suspicious. I certainly would be if I were in your place. You need to be aware of what he is up to if he is to gain your trust back and he needs to understand that. If he’s not willing to do that, to tell you what he’s been up to and all other sorts of things, well then how are you supposed to see if he really is making the changes he needs to in his life? Someone needs to hold him accountable for his actions, and that should be you because it was to you that he told that he wanted to change and that the drug use had gotten out of hand.

    The point is, he lied to you. Even one small lie can plant doubt in a person’s mind, and this is not a small lie. It has been repetitive lies that you have evidence about and he has been unwilling to own up to.

    I have been in a similar situation, my ex boyfriend is a drug user, smoker, and drinker. The drug use wasn’t such an issue when we were together because he only smoked pot every once in a while and hardly “popped pills”, but the drinking always was an issue. He was always getting drunk and lying to me about it. He didn’t stop once I confronted him about it and told him I didn’t like that. He said he’d change, and I told him I didn’t him to change simply because I said so, but he insisted it was what he wanted. Well, he simply got better at hiding it. What started with small lies escalated into big problematic lies. He would lie about his whereabouts, who he had been with, etc. I tried to trust him and gave him the benefit of the doubt, but ever so often those lies wouldn’t add up and he’d end up confessing. He lied to me about other things as well, many things. Here we are, 4 years later, and he now smokes pot about everyday, gets drunk all the time, and he’s admitted to doing cocaine.

    Now, of course your situation could play out very differently. What I am trying to say though, is that if you are feeling unsure, then you need to do something about it. He can’t be trusted simply because he said he’d change. Saying and doing are two very different things. You also need to keep in mind that once you start lying, well, it becomes easier and easier. I’m not perfect, and I’ve lied, and yes it does get easier and easier. The lies just keep building up. Some people are better than others. I am ashamed of lying, but I have to say that once you start lying you have to keep lying to protect that one initial small lie.

    You feeling that sense of dread, well it can’t be pleasant at all. That is not something you should feel, maybe once in a while it is all right, but continuously, not at all. Give your relationship a break, evaluate his actions, efforts, and your feelings about the situation. Then, decide what to do from there.

    In the meanwhile, I’d say to give the other guy a chance. Who knows, something great could come of it.

    Also, regarding your guilt, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You weren’t the one who did anything wrong. He has no reason to make you feel like you are the one in the wrong. He is making you out to look like a paranoid, delusional person every time you confront him, and that is no good, because eventually you’ll start questioning whether you are overreacting, which you all ready are.

    Regarding the drugs and lying, well that’s even worse when you put the two together. Drugs cloud a person’s judgement, makes them act and feel differently, I’m sure you all ready know that though.

    #94970
    Amelia_R
    Participant

    Anita- I feel that what if he really does change and will not lie to me anymore then we could be good and back to how it was at the start- if I gave him this chance, there are good things about him… I suppose I want it to work, so against everything else that’s wrong I am still hoping- I feel if I ended it would I always regret it?

    Thanks Aislynn, sorry to hear about all the troubles you had- my worry is also that now he will just be more careful and hide things from me. I agree with everything your saying too- when you went through it with your previous partner what made you make the decision to finally end it?

    Everything points to him being a liar and unsuitable for me, but I can’t help but think what if he really is trying now and really is being honest with me? Thing is I will never really know unless I trust him and right now I don’t, but I wonder if in time the trust could come back?

    #94975
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ameila_R:

    If you choose to give him another chance, I would suggest that you give him another chance without demanding it from yourself to trust him. Your trust in him was broken at this point. So it will need to be rebuilt if it is to be again.

    For as long as we are distressed, our thinking is not that effective. I call it “Thinking under the influence of distress”- not that different than drugs, strong emotion does not allow effective thinking. So calm yourself, and post again. This doesn’t have to be solved now or today. Give yourself the time you need.

    anita

    #94979
    Amelia_R
    Participant

    Thanks Anita that’s really helpful, I’m definitely not thinking straight or clearly at the moment and I am putting pressure on myself to make a decision and to figure this out and it’s just getting too complicated inside my head. I’m going to take a ‘me’ day tomorrow and do some things I like and have some rest and relaxation and hopefully find some clarity 🙂

    #94980
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Amelia. Excellent plan. Please post again when you are calm!
    anita

    #94986
    Aislynn
    Participant

    Amelia,

    The break up with my ex boyfriend was very hard. I broke up with him on a whim, on a moment during which I had just had enough. He had been joking around about his friends telling him to break up with me and he said that he was considering it, during that moment he was high. However, I didn’t care, I had had enough, so I told him “here, I’ll make it easy for you, it’s over. Have fun with your buddies.” I still remember afterwards how he kept asking me to take him back, that he was kidding, etc. It was hard for me to stay away, because like you I had so many what ifs and I was regretting it. However, while we tried to fix our relationship a few months after that, I saw that nothing had changed. He stopped hiding it from me, I saw how much the drugs played a role in his life. I saw how he acted so differently around others. He then felt the need to hide from his friends that we were talking, because they didn’t like the fact that I couldn’t stand his drug use. He was hiding me, constantly talking to me yet hiding it from everyone else. At our worst, his friend threatened me and I took action. It got him in legal troubles because they found marijuana on him, well his mother then hated me for it. Can you believe it? I was the bad one for fearing for my safety, how dare I get her son caught with marijuana. She was mad about the fees and couldn’t stand the idea of her son around me. So we went our own way. I couldn’t stay, not after he was all right and was joking about the threat from his friend. Through it all, I loved him, so strongly, so deeply. I didn’t want to give up, I wanted to help him, I wanted to see what our relationship would be like if he stopped the drug use. To this day I still wonder what if…. However, I see that he is still on the same path as he was. Still uses drugs, very often, so I know that I made the right choice by staying away. It was not easy. So many times I wanted to go back to him, to help him, to be there for him, especially when he had family problems.

    Don’t be pressured to make a decision. Think it through. Perhaps it would be best if you try to talk to him about. Tell him about your concerns, your lack of trust, your fears about him lying even more. See how he reacts, then make a choice.

    Otherwise, like you said, take a day off. Relax, you are in no rush. Think it through, a decision like this is by no means easy. Just the opposite actually. I know all too well how hard it can be to leave someone whom you love and see so much potential in.

    If you decide to stay and work things out, take your time, baby steps. You shouldn’t feel pressured to trust him, his actions will define if he gains your trust back. If he does, then great, you get a chance to see how far your relationship can go. If after a while you decide it is not working out, well that is all right as well, you gave it your best and can leave with no regrets.

    #95002
    BK
    Participant

    I am a recovering addict and know first hand how my using destroyed several relationships. I believe myself to be a decent person, but when I used drugs nothing mattered to me more than getting high. My word meant nothing ! I would have the best intentions of doing the right thing after the guilt & depression would set in after my latest binge – I truly wanted to not use, but a few days later when people forgave me I would go out and use again. The real change for me occurred when, I admitted to myself(truly admitted) that I needed help, became willing to go to any lengths to stay sober.That meant going into a halfway house and going to meeting daily-working a program with recovering addicts as such as myself. My now wife, we were dating back then told me she would not put up with another relapse, and if I chose to drugs over her than my actions were clear to her what really mattered to me. She would support me in getting clean, but she did not trust me. My actions/words going forward had to equal my words NO matter how small the lie maybe rigorous honesty is a requirement in all my actions. It was by living an this honest life. I finally have regained her trust, but it took some time. I am grateful to say that I am approaching 21 years of sobriety and 20 years of marriage, I have a home and a family that loves me. My suggestion to you would be to join an Al-Anon group. It will do wonders and help you to gain a better understanding of not only the addict. but more so yourself.It is the best gift you can give to yourself.
    Take care

    #95662
    Amelia_R
    Participant

    Hi,

    So I took my day of relaxation and really enjoyed it. I knew he was coming around for the evening and was trying to decide what do do, I thought I would see what happens when he came round. He seemed off, distant, I wasn’t feeling happy around him. The next day I saw a message on his phone to his ex partner, saying he would like to take her out for dinner. I confronted him, he said it wasn’t what it looked like etc. etc.

    I ended it, but then couldn’t help but keep messaging him to tell him how I felt or even maybe to try to work it out again, I don’t know why I did that! Last night after messaging he said we wouldn’t work and I haven’t and won’t, respond.

    But now I just have this terrible feeling of dread and loss, my stomach is clenched and hurting and it’s horrible because I know he did me wrong, I know he was not right for me and didn’t make me happy, I know he lied countrless times, but yet I can’t stop this great sadness- I feel lost, like I’m just living in a daze, going through the motions, not being able to feel happy about anything. My long term relationship ended after nearly 7 years last year, I thought I had found happiness again and then after a few months it’s all over and I am back to square one- I have so many thoughts going around in my head, memories, flashbacks… I don’t know to feel happy and strong.

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