Hi,

I need some help.

I split up with my long term partner of nearly 7 years last year. It was a horrible thing to go through, but I knew it was the right thing to do, even though it was painful. It was my ex who broke it off and it was a bit of a shock- he said he had been thinking about it for a while and I was angry he didn’t talk to me about it so we could have tried to work through it. He ended up kissing someone else, and made up his mind we needed to break up. Deep down I knew it was the right thing although I did try to see if we could make things work, he was sure we would not so he moved up and we broke up.

Shortly after the split, I met someone on a night out. I was reluctant to, but we exchanged numbers and then ended up talking frequently. I was not sure if I liked this guy, but when we met up I was pleasantly surprised about how well we got on and how we could talk very freely and openly about lots of things, we started to see each other regularly and things progressed pretty quickly – after our first date we ended up spending the whole weekend together, he even met my parents! I knew things were going quickly, but it felt right, I was happy – he made me feel special which my ex partner did not.

We soon became official boyfriend and girlfriend and we had sunk in to a routine of seeing each other quite regularly, although it was always at my house since he still lives with his parents and I have two dogs. Whilst this was getting a little bit annoying, I knew there wasn’t really anything we could do about it. One night while we were talking it came out that every now and then he would do drugs on a night out. I said I was OK with it, as I thought he meant maybe once or twice a year. I said he didn’t ever need to hide anything from me and he didn’t, but then I started noticing that the drug use was actually pretty regular – most nights out with his friends, even nights when we were out together, I began to realise that he is actually using drugs far too much than I was happy with… but I just brushed the issue under the carpet because I wanted to be happy with him and I wanted things to work. I started to notice some weird secretive behavior when he was at my house and I began to suspect that he was taking drugs in the morning, after using them the night before. I wasn’t 100% sure on this and did wonder if maybe I was being paranoid. One night he came back to mine after seeing some friends and I noticed he had drugs in his pocket, I checked to see if there was any left and there was. The next afternoon I checked the packet and there was none left. Again, I didn’t confront him about it.

We went on holiday together and during the holiday I felt uneasy, I was beginning to think I could not trust him and that he would quite happily hide things from me, I mentioned to him about finding drugs in his pocket and I told him that I would not be with someone who does drugs all the time, that I would just end it. He responded to ask would I not just ask him to stop and I said no, I wouldn’t want to be with someone who I needed to ask to change or stop doing something which was bad for them.

After the holiday there were a few incidents: I found a half used cigarette in the car- like the tobacco had been used for smoking drugs. I asked him about it and he said it was a friend who rolled a joint in his car. Another time I found a half used one in his cigarette pack- again, he put it down to a friend at the pub must have used it.

There were other times where I felt he was using drugs the morning after, I eventually confronted him about it but he denied it, he said maybe I am just a suspicious or paranoid person.

One day we were sitting on the sofa and a friend called his phone, he answered and I heard the friend ask if he could get him any drugs. He said no he is not around. When he put the phone down he said to me it was just his friend asking if he wanted to go for a drink. I confronted him there and then as I knew that was not what the friend said, I asked why did he lie? He got quite annoyed, said he just didn’t want an argument and knew if he told me the truth I would think he was a drug dealer, this that and the other and then he ended up just leaving. He messaged me but I stood my ground saying it was wrong for him to lie, he kept saying it was just a small irrelevent lie and he would never lie about anything important to do with our relationship, he just lied because he didn’t want to hassle. He came round the next day and I said I don’t want him to lie to me about anything- he eventually kind of agreed and said sorry but after the sorry there was always a “but” anyway we eventually sorted it, but the seed of doubt was planted, I knew that he could lie to me and has probably lied about other things.

Not long after I saw a message to his friend saying “she caught me the next day and was not impressed” which I can only assume was relating to the day I confronted him about the drugs and he denied it- so to me that message shows that I was actually right when I confronted him, but he out right lied to my face and denied it.

I knew I needed to end things, but it took me a while to do it. Eventually I did. But not long after he came around and completely broke down and told me the drug use had gotten out of control, he didn’t want to be doing it anymore, he wanted to change, he was being really open and he was crying and he thanked me for being honest with him about everything. I decided to give him another chance which leads us to where we are now. I feel like the relationship has been tainted by these lies and although I want it to work and I want to be happy with him, I am not sure if I can or if I should? I am constantly checking my phone to hear from him- when I don’t I worry, when I do I feel happy- I am always worrying now if he really is where he says he is or doing what he says hes doing, basically I don’t trust him anymore and all this worry is causing me stress and pain- he seems to be all I think about, and not in a good way. I feel down about the relationship and myself – but then when we are together things feel OK and I look at him and think about the fact that I love him- it’s like my head is saying this is wrong but my heart is telling me to keep hold of him, I have so many different feelings and thoughts that keep going around in my head and I just can’t decide what to do.

On top of this, there is another guy on the scene who I know really likes me. We don’t know each other too well but have been messaging since I joined a dating site after splitting up with my previous ex. We have a lot in common – more so I would say than my current boyfriend, but then again I don’t really know him too well so we may not be well suited at all, I just don’t know. After thinking I knew my current boyfriend and then finding out he lied to me so easily has just made me begin to question everything I know. I have met this other guy twice and have had a really lovely time with him and I do feel like I want to see and get to know him more, but obviously this cannot happen whilst I am still in a relationship with someone else. I know he wants to progress more and he messages me a lot but I don’t know if this is making things worse for me and my current boyfriend. Sometimes I have a strong urge to just break everything off with my now partner so I can be free to get to know this other guy more with whom I do feel there could be potential with but then other times I have a strong feeling to just put my faith in to my current partner and see what happens and if I can learnt to trust him. I really don’t know what to do, I am scared if I break up with him now that I could be ruining a chance of us being happy together and working through the issues and I am scared about missing him and sad to loose what we had, or maybe what I thought I had? But then I also feel like what I have potential to be happy with this other guy, or even someone else? I can’t see in to the future so I just don’t know what the right thing to do is. Although friends and family are hinting that I do need to end things with my current boyfriend, there is still something that’s keeping me there with him. Every morning I wake up with this huge feeling of dread and I feel like I don’t even want to get out of bed. This is all I can think about at the moment. Sometimes my current boyfriend makes me feel really happy and secure, but other times I can’t shake this feeling of worry that things are not right.

Also I have been avoiding the other guys messages because of what is going on and that is making me feel bad too.

I need some help with working out how I decide what the right thing to do is!