Hello Sparkie

You have been through very hurtfull situations and it seems to me you are carrying the pain with you, alone, for a very long time. Since this is the first time you are sharing your memories i want to tell you that the pain can stop and you can move on and be happy.

I was adamant for years that I was adopted. With a bee in my bonnet the questions swirled around my head for years
Aged 11 I sneaked into my parents room and read my mums diary (terrible I know, but I was 11!)
It seems to me after all that what you did was not so terrible. You had a question and you were looking for answers. Is it terrible for an archaelogist to search for clues of his/her hypothesis in “secret” tombs or for the historian in lost documents? Of course not. In the same spirit, you as a child, was interested in a question deeply personal. It was the natural thing to do. Maybe the guilt you are feeling has something to do with the reaction from your parents? Or from their prohibitions(and don’t we all know, parents can be a bit too strict)?

Aside from all of this, aged around 4 my uncle (mothers brother), made me touch him in a sexual way. I’ve NEVER breathed a word of this to anyone, your guys are the first. I’ve not even told my husband! This sounds terrible and painfull to bear. I have similar experiences as a child, of sexual nature, that i still try to resolve through psychoanalysis. I sympathise with your pain and i can only tell you this:
Honestly, i believe a therapeutical relationship with another person will heal your wounds so you can free your self from torment. It does not matter so much the nature of the therapeutical relationship. I chose psychoanalysis for example because my pain was of past traumatic events and psychoanalysis was said that it could cure them. What matters is your resurfaced will to share your experiences and the fact that people are willing to help you be relieved of your burden. Human contact, in other words, is what important.

If you have financial difficulties please try to find an economical way through healthcare or an mutual agreement with a therapist to begin the path of self-recovery. Also, please share any more information you want through this post. I will try to answer and give information or advice to anything you want, as well as, other tinybuddits.

Take care Sparkie
George