Dear Kathleen:

I used to dump my frustrations, disturbances, distress on my husband, and I did it big time. I had to learn in the context of couple therapy how to not do that. One of the interpersonal skills I learned is in EAR: communicate with him using Empathy, Assertiveness and Respect. Always respect. I learned over time to take responsibility for my distress and own it… not give it to him to carry. I am used to it by now. He sees when I am distressed, it shows in my face, but I don’t mistreat him when I am distressed.

When expressing to him how I feel, I will say: I feel this way, not something like: you make me feel this way. And in choosing the words I use, I am not blaming him for my distress, only expressing it.

anita