Dear Ravi:

From reading your posts I get the feeling that you are correct in your understanding that she loved or loves you too, no doubt in my mind, best I can tell. And I can see why she would deny- or not even be aware of the nature of her feelings to you, being too scared and cautious.

I also believe that what you wrote, “her family …code”, is more powerful than anything. After all, see how your own family code is powerful in your life! One of your family codes is to be quietly submissive and not assert yourself, not with grandmother, and not with the bully in school. And you followed that code to your own detriment and as a result, a natural result of your anger having nowhere to go, it expresses itself in the wrong places, wrong times, wrong people as you continue to be passive with ex. grandmother. It is fear that is keeping you passive with grandmother… and parents, perhaps. You were… trained that way. Even though it hurts you, you are too afraid to do something (be assertive) because you were trained to be passive.

In a similar way, she was trained to follow her own family code, and part of that code is to be obedient to her parents about her love life, and if you don’t fit that code, you are out. It would be too scary for her to defy the code of her family, just as it is scary for you to assert yourself with your grandmother.

I will be focusing now on another thread and will be back after a while.

anita