Ah so many thougths are popping up today, really sorry!

This is a new one:

Did I create drama in a perfectly normal relationship. Was I insecure and did not know how to handle every day life in a relationship. Was I the one that created my feelings because I was used to getting hurt. This is a really hard thought to process. What if I was the one ruining everything bit by bit. I know my friend and family might not agree and would probably say that it does not seem like we are a good match. But what if I did destroy a good thing and why. Was it to a want to escape the relationship – an act of immaturity.
This feeling really scare me. What if I couln’t cope with someone being in love with me. Or someone did not treat me the exact way I wanted to be treated. What if my loneliness and feelings of being ignored was me wanting drama. I am addicted to drama. I really did hate all the drama in my last relationship and often thought that it would be wonderful if we could just be and love each other. But what if I am the casuing the drama now. And now I have accted on my fear and insecurity and removed myself from it.

Was I asking too much of him. Can I not be happy in a peaceful environment. Or was I living the way he wanted to live and whenever I was clear about my needs it caused drama. Why do I feel like the one causing all this pain – then it must be wanting drama.

What if everything was just as it should be. But I wanted destructive patterns. Is that why he never saw any problems in the relationship and that everything had been great. I do not have any drama in my other relationships but what if I wanted it in this. I was creating it but why. So deal with the everyday life or that I did not want the relationship. Or was I ruining it bit by bit and stuck by me – accepting me for me.

When I met him – I remember that I was so destructive, I told him that I was unlovable and horrible and all those things. He just said that sometimes you meet the right person at the right time. And maybe that was true. Maybe I did. Maybe he tried his best to just give me unconditional love and I refused it. Made small things become big. It this is the truth- it would really hurt. And why have I done it. Can someone really loose themselves in past hurt to inflict it upon others. And if that’s the case- why did I do it. Can I not allow myself to be happy.

Have I ruined this with a lovely man that wants the best for me – and I am never likely to find someone like him again.
Would someone really treat themselves that bad, would I not want to be as happy as possible. I am not allowing myself to be happy. What if all I ever spoke about is excuses. Excuses for not wanting to be loved and have a normal life. What if I wanted to be destructive and leave. Maybe I was overanalyzing everything, and I couldn’t live in the moment. Maybe I was surprised to see that he loved me because I did not think he did.

How can I tell the truth from reality. When it all could be true. How could I simply now.