Ah so many thougths are popping up today, really sorry!

This is a new one:

Did I create drama in a perfectly normal relationship. Was I insecure and did not know how to handle every day life in a relationship. Was I the one that created my feelings because I was used to getting hurt. This is a really hard thought to process. What if I was the one ruining everything bit by bit. I know my friend and family might not agree and would probably say that it does not seem like we are a good match. But what if I did destroy a good thing and why. Was it to a want to escape the relationship – an act of immaturity.
This feeling really scare me. What if I couln’t cope with someone being in love with me. Or someone did not treat me the exact way I wanted to be treated. What if my loneliness and feelings of being ignored was me wanting drama. I am addicted to drama. I really did hate all the drama in my last relationship and often thought that it would be wonderful if we could just be and love each other. But what if I am the casuing the drama now. And now I have accted on my fear and insecurity and removed myself from it.

Was I asking too much of him. Can I not be happy in a peaceful environment. Or was I living the way he wanted to live and whenever I was clear about my needs it caused drama. Why do I feel like the one causing all this pain – then it must be wanting drama.

What if everything was just as it should be. But I wanted destructive patterns. Is that why he never saw any problems in the relationship and that everything had been great. I do not have any drama in my other relationships but what if I wanted it in this. I was creating it but why. So deal with the everyday life or that I did not want the relationship. Or was I ruining it bit by bit and stuck by me – accepting me for me.

When I met him – I remember that I was so destructive, I told him that I was unlovable and horrible and all those things. He just said that sometimes you meet the right person at the right time. And maybe that was true. Maybe I did. Maybe he tried his best to just give me unconditional love and I refused it. Made small things become big. It this is the truth- it would really hurt. And why have I done it. Can someone really loose themselves in past hurt to inflict it upon others. And if that’s the case- why did I do it. Can I not allow myself to be happy.

Have I ruined this with a lovely man that wants the best for me – and I am never likely to find someone like him again.
Would someone really treat themselves that bad, would I not want to be as happy as possible. I am not allowing myself to be happy. What if all I ever spoke about is excuses. Excuses for not wanting to be loved and have a normal life. What if I wanted to be destructive and leave. Maybe I was overanalyzing everything, and I couldn’t live in the moment. Maybe I was surprised to see that he loved me because I did not think he did.

How can I tell the truth from reality. When it all could be true. How could I simply now.

Thank you Anita for your response.

I found it interesting what you said – just to clarify: That I think that I have a good loving relationship with my family members but I don’t?

And yes – that is probably a better way of going forward. I think if I wasn’t so scared over finding a new place to stay and where to stay, education and so on, that I all put on hold. I am confused over staying closer to my family as I do not know if that closeness would be a good impact on me. Maybe it would.

What I do know is little but I know that I am pretty happy by myself. It’s the silence. And no need to be anything.
I know I do not care for superficial things and value real love. But as you say I may not know what this is.
I guess I think I do.

I would like to feel independant and strong by myself. Not having to need anyone else.

I guess that’s how far my list goes. It’s not a long list at all.

I just wish I spent less time on relationships and more time on me and my future.

Best wishes,

Ann

Dear Anita,

thank you again for your response and your wise words.

I really value your input about not having a loving relationship with someone else and it really got me thinking. I do consider that my relationship has grown with my family members. I think one of the main reasons for leaving my home country was to get away and get some clarity over my relationship to them. See I grew up as a people pleaser – mum had depression and my dad was emotional unavailable and quite mean in his words. Of course they were loving as well and my chilhood was very safe in other ways. The relationship between my parents have always been cold, uncommunicating and rather abusive – I have never seen them kissing or hugging.
The worst part is that my “partner” reminded me of my dad and I fell into the same behaviour as my mother – which really scared me.
Everything I always wanted the opposite from I became.

My “partners” parents were similar – they fought a lot and the mother was doing everything by her self.

I do not feel confused the whole time – sometimes I feel grounded and ok – but only when I practise mindfulness. Do you think the childhood patterns could have led me to be this confused? It feels like my friends and family do help but I think I am the problem – see my “partner” had so many good sides too, he really did. I think as my relationship with others might have improved – my relationship with myself has not really improved much. I seem to focus outwards instead of inwards.

I am just scared that if I do not know what a loving relationship is then how can I tell that this one was unhealthy?
So many times I thought that I do not want this but that it is “normal” – his parents are and my parents are.
But I never wanted it to be like that.

And my “partner” has told me many things about who he is and isn’t and I guess I look at other people and they adore him.
It would be different maybe if he did not have any friends.. I think I take everything in consideration.

I value your explanation to “no need to be anything” – that is so very true. I think that I played a part – for very long. I think that is one of the reasons that brought me here. I felt so heavy in the end not knowing what to give, or how and why. The confusion should I not want to give. He always says that he does not need anything from me – but maybe we all do.

I find your description of the puppet great – but at the same time wonder as the words I have shared, and is all you can now, there is so much more to the story. I might have felt like the puppet in the story but so many times I wanted to be the puppet and just play along.

I have refused to listen to myself and when I do it feels calm. As I already know. And I have always known. I just wanted to have something that was not for me – I really did. I really wanted it to work. But all along I was avoiding the journey I need to embark on by myself.

Anita, do you think that two people can be incpompatible with each other and that they can with old wounds create a toxic relationship together.

Thank you once again for kindness and understanding.

Best wishes,

Ann

Dear Anita,

Thank you.

I thought I was walking my own way until one day I stopped, I was meant to start Uni but I dropped out on the first day – it felt ever since then that I have looked the path in others. Is that not a normal thing to do. See if everything would have been ok between me and my “partner” I would have been more than happy. But I guess I would have felt more free as well.

What is ones own way? I know that I want to study – but I have no idea what to study. How can I possible know what to choose.
And where to live. Sorry but there is things I simply do not know.

I think I used to know my own path – but it has been forgotten amongst all this.

I would say that the relationship with my father was emotional neglectful and I do not think he fully understood the power behind his words. He still say things today – and it sounds like he is trying to joke but it’s not funny. It’s a way some people can just a meaning and it can go right through you. My sister had a tendency to do so as well. I can not remember it all – but the words was always trying to minimize you or your dream or thoughts. See as I have always been in to music – my dad did not understand this and he was always undermining it. So he can still do it today but I can tell him that his words hurt my feelings – I was not capable of doing so when I was young. You could describe him as always knowing the right answer.

See what scares me Anita is that I found my “partner” being different from my family and I liked that. I felt joy to have both worlds. Now at this moment in time it does not feel like I have anything left, I’m all alone. I was trying to avoid this for such a long time but it is really unavoidable isn’t. It just felt like my life was going as “planned” and now it is gone a way that I can not comprehend.

I have these stong feelings of failure.

I still miss my “partner” you see, I understand that I am going in circles but I do. I miss how he made me feel safe – to stop worrying about things. He knew how to do so by words. I wonder if it was all that bad. It’s just that when we talk now he listens, just listens.
I wonder if I didn’t try hard enough at the relationship. But why did I feel like I was from the outside looking in. Sometimes I wish I could take it all back and everything was normal again – then I had my place in this world. Now I don’t belong to anything. See he was really loving, in his own way. I miss the comfort and his love. What if I am doing a mistake – everything seem so grey without him. Sorry I came back to the confusion again. Is it normal with a little voice in the head that always thinks “should it really feel like this or be like this” throughout the relationship.

I don’t know why but it feel like my head and body has shut down and that I do not have energy for anything.

Best wishes,

Ann

Dear,

Thank you so much for the kindness you’re showing.

You see I went to psychotherapy CBT 7 years ago. I had an eating disorder at that time, while I was studying a one year course in music.
I went for six months. Without the cbt I wouldn’t have half the understandning I have today – for better or for worse. But I suspect it was to short. And a week after I finished I went over the water to live in another country for 6 years.
See my eating disorder was a result of low self esteem and a need to control and not understand my feelings. I tried really hard to keep the family together when I was growing up and I always blamed myself for my mums depression and dads disinterest in the family. I never tried to express any feelings as I was scared they would not understand or it would be too much for them to carry.
I went travelling with my sister for a year when I was 18 and we had a really unhealthy relationship. She blamed me for a lot of things that I could not possible be accountable for – such a boy not liking her. Around every corner I was looking for a boy to like me or even love me. I remember I decided to stop eating after a guy left that i known for a month. Silly I know. But I felt it was the only way I could cope.

You’re words sound so true in my ears – but they also bring a complete sadness to me. I know that this is not a blame game but I feel sad because I think it is true. See with the music – I really loved it but I always felt that I was ashamed over doing it. Writing my own songs is the only was I have been able to cope. My father has been after all really supportive of me through this time – but he can say hurtful things through it. But I know he means well in the end. But agree he still say them.

There must a bad thing with every relationship?

Back to my sadness – I have been aware of dads influence in my head – what he calls the realistic view. I was meant to start studying four years ago but ended up with excuses in my head. Which I am sad about now, never been before. I was meant to study psychology and I have never found anything to study after that. Of course now I am studying sports therapy/ massage and more holistic therapies which I really enjoy – one weekend every month. I am just gutted I never gave me that chance, and now I feel to old to study such an open degree and would enjoy studying something more work related. But I don’t know though- I just felt like my life went off track when I said no to doing it. Half year after that my ex boyfriend broke up with me and I lost my best friend – my grandma. I started playing in a band with 3 other girls – i didn’t like the music and singer was very different from me, very controlling and so on. I could still see the good part of being in the band – we had fun and i got to learn about the music scene. All I wanted though was to get bravery to play my own music.

This is where the major problem comes in: My “partner” was different. He loved and valued my music and he thinks its the most important thing in life. He was always encouring me in practical things. I felt like I came home at last when I met him. I think that’s the most painful thing about it all. He thought that i should quite the band as he did not like the singer and he thought the band was awful. And I did. I remember how hard I found it to quite that band, I cried and cried. Crazy.

I felt like I was a part of something when I met him.

But you see also, music has never been the most important thing – it has been one of them. But connection with other people is just the same or even more of an important thing.

My “partner” always told me that I did not have self esteem or belief in myself, and maybe that is true. He said that I could so much more in music if I only believed in myself. And I am not talking about being famous, only on a smaller scale. And I know i do not let me but sometimes it feel that I am pretty happy just doing it for myself. I am confused if I am stopping myself and that I really want to do it or vice versa.

But you see, that was the thing. My “partner” was different. He believed in an alternative lifestyle, and I liked it too. I like his lifestyle.

I got this emptiness inside today but i managed to bring myself back – but now I am here not trusting my family or my “partner” not even myself.

I moved abroad because I felt free and alive. And I have many beautiful memories. But I wanted to be in a different place from where I am now. I wanted to get away from my family. You see my closest friend that I had abroad was very similar to my sister. quite an unhealthy bond there too. But maybe every relationship is.

I miss my “partner” when everyone feels the same and he would understand how I feel different. Sorry that might not sound clear at all. It’s just that I appreciate his way of living.

I am just wondering how I can judge my relationship with my “partner” when i do not know what healthy is.
I feel very lonely.
I appreciated that I felt like I belonged somewhere, in “his” life. I wonder if he after all only wanted to care for me and take for me.
What if my destructive thoughts from my child hood and so on are destroying a good thing.

You see my ex boyfriend – I never had these doubts, I was sure I wanted to be with him, why? I felt such a strong emotional closeness with him, I felt at home. But then we did not share many other things. And with my “partner” now it is almost the opposite. And my ex became obviously abusive but I still wanted to be with him.

What if I can not tell healthy from unhealthy and what if i am making relationships unhealthy?

I long to move back to home country, to live closer to my old friends. But I am scared that I will not like it. It feels like I lost the connection with why I am staying where I am.

Did I put much strain on my relationship to my “partner” – did I want answers he could not answer. Why did I long so much for somethings and someone else – when I might not even want it. Could I have been blind of what I really had?

Anita, just as you say the hurt little girl inside – I wonder what she wants. Sometimes I can hear her. Or at least I think so.

I wonder why I have a hard time with taking responsibillity over it. Does she wants to do music, or does she want to study psychology, does she wants a nice little job with enough money to get by, what does she want. I wish I was younger facing these facts. I fear over the future. See I feel like without my “partner” I won’t be able to do music anymore – I would stop believing in music at all.

Best wishes,

Ann

Sorry I am writing again: But I thought it be nice to add,

When I went abroad I fell in love with the city I went to, I felt like it was my life and my decision. But little as I know it; I did not change my ways and I still fell for unhealthy relationships. But I felt like I was creating something for myself. Now I am not so sure if I need to be here anymore, as I know it is the inside that needs to come out.

What if I had the chance to do so in the relationship – take a long and hard look at myself and stay present. What if I wanted to run away from it – to something else. Again.