Dear Anita,

Thank you.

I thought I was walking my own way until one day I stopped, I was meant to start Uni but I dropped out on the first day – it felt ever since then that I have looked the path in others. Is that not a normal thing to do. See if everything would have been ok between me and my “partner” I would have been more than happy. But I guess I would have felt more free as well.

What is ones own way? I know that I want to study – but I have no idea what to study. How can I possible know what to choose.
And where to live. Sorry but there is things I simply do not know.

I think I used to know my own path – but it has been forgotten amongst all this.

I would say that the relationship with my father was emotional neglectful and I do not think he fully understood the power behind his words. He still say things today – and it sounds like he is trying to joke but it’s not funny. It’s a way some people can just a meaning and it can go right through you. My sister had a tendency to do so as well. I can not remember it all – but the words was always trying to minimize you or your dream or thoughts. See as I have always been in to music – my dad did not understand this and he was always undermining it. So he can still do it today but I can tell him that his words hurt my feelings – I was not capable of doing so when I was young. You could describe him as always knowing the right answer.

See what scares me Anita is that I found my “partner” being different from my family and I liked that. I felt joy to have both worlds. Now at this moment in time it does not feel like I have anything left, I’m all alone. I was trying to avoid this for such a long time but it is really unavoidable isn’t. It just felt like my life was going as “planned” and now it is gone a way that I can not comprehend.

I have these stong feelings of failure.

I still miss my “partner” you see, I understand that I am going in circles but I do. I miss how he made me feel safe – to stop worrying about things. He knew how to do so by words. I wonder if it was all that bad. It’s just that when we talk now he listens, just listens.
I wonder if I didn’t try hard enough at the relationship. But why did I feel like I was from the outside looking in. Sometimes I wish I could take it all back and everything was normal again – then I had my place in this world. Now I don’t belong to anything. See he was really loving, in his own way. I miss the comfort and his love. What if I am doing a mistake – everything seem so grey without him. Sorry I came back to the confusion again. Is it normal with a little voice in the head that always thinks “should it really feel like this or be like this” throughout the relationship.

I don’t know why but it feel like my head and body has shut down and that I do not have energy for anything.

Best wishes,

Ann