Dear Ladybug:

To put it as simply as i can: we do not develop to be shy or confident, introverted or extroverted, anxious or adventurous… fake or authentic in a vacuum or according to genetic determination or predisposition. We develop to be this or that as a result of all those interactions with our parent (or parents and siblings enter the mix as well).

A child is not at all separate from the parent/s. The identity of the child is combined with the identity of the parent, like pieces of a puzzle that have to fit. Often enough, the child fits in the puzzle with the parent but that fitting makes for a very distressing life.

A child will automatically choose to see her parent in the best possible way so to feel safe. Anything that is wrong,the child assumes she is faulty and will cut off, repress, anything that doesn’t fit the piece of the puzzle that is the parent.

When you heal, become authentic, you have to see the parent as she is, to see that piece of the puzzle in its real form so to extricate yourself from the fitting into it, and become the true shape that you are, your authentic self.

This is an unsettling process in its very nature and few start and persist in it. I commend you for being in this process. Please pace yourself, be very patient and gentle with yourself. If needed, attend psychotherapy with a competent, caring and hard working therapist. If you cannot afford it, or otherwise, attend self help support groups or write here, if it is helpful, and I will reply to you every time.

Am I clear here? I sure hope so. Please let me know…

anita