Dear,

Thank you so much for the kindness you’re showing.

You see I went to psychotherapy CBT 7 years ago. I had an eating disorder at that time, while I was studying a one year course in music.
I went for six months. Without the cbt I wouldn’t have half the understandning I have today – for better or for worse. But I suspect it was to short. And a week after I finished I went over the water to live in another country for 6 years.
See my eating disorder was a result of low self esteem and a need to control and not understand my feelings. I tried really hard to keep the family together when I was growing up and I always blamed myself for my mums depression and dads disinterest in the family. I never tried to express any feelings as I was scared they would not understand or it would be too much for them to carry.
I went travelling with my sister for a year when I was 18 and we had a really unhealthy relationship. She blamed me for a lot of things that I could not possible be accountable for – such a boy not liking her. Around every corner I was looking for a boy to like me or even love me. I remember I decided to stop eating after a guy left that i known for a month. Silly I know. But I felt it was the only way I could cope.

You’re words sound so true in my ears – but they also bring a complete sadness to me. I know that this is not a blame game but I feel sad because I think it is true. See with the music – I really loved it but I always felt that I was ashamed over doing it. Writing my own songs is the only was I have been able to cope. My father has been after all really supportive of me through this time – but he can say hurtful things through it. But I know he means well in the end. But agree he still say them.

There must a bad thing with every relationship?

Back to my sadness – I have been aware of dads influence in my head – what he calls the realistic view. I was meant to start studying four years ago but ended up with excuses in my head. Which I am sad about now, never been before. I was meant to study psychology and I have never found anything to study after that. Of course now I am studying sports therapy/ massage and more holistic therapies which I really enjoy – one weekend every month. I am just gutted I never gave me that chance, and now I feel to old to study such an open degree and would enjoy studying something more work related. But I don’t know though- I just felt like my life went off track when I said no to doing it. Half year after that my ex boyfriend broke up with me and I lost my best friend – my grandma. I started playing in a band with 3 other girls – i didn’t like the music and singer was very different from me, very controlling and so on. I could still see the good part of being in the band – we had fun and i got to learn about the music scene. All I wanted though was to get bravery to play my own music.

This is where the major problem comes in: My “partner” was different. He loved and valued my music and he thinks its the most important thing in life. He was always encouring me in practical things. I felt like I came home at last when I met him. I think that’s the most painful thing about it all. He thought that i should quite the band as he did not like the singer and he thought the band was awful. And I did. I remember how hard I found it to quite that band, I cried and cried. Crazy.

I felt like I was a part of something when I met him.

But you see also, music has never been the most important thing – it has been one of them. But connection with other people is just the same or even more of an important thing.

My “partner” always told me that I did not have self esteem or belief in myself, and maybe that is true. He said that I could so much more in music if I only believed in myself. And I am not talking about being famous, only on a smaller scale. And I know i do not let me but sometimes it feel that I am pretty happy just doing it for myself. I am confused if I am stopping myself and that I really want to do it or vice versa.

But you see, that was the thing. My “partner” was different. He believed in an alternative lifestyle, and I liked it too. I like his lifestyle.

I got this emptiness inside today but i managed to bring myself back – but now I am here not trusting my family or my “partner” not even myself.

I moved abroad because I felt free and alive. And I have many beautiful memories. But I wanted to be in a different place from where I am now. I wanted to get away from my family. You see my closest friend that I had abroad was very similar to my sister. quite an unhealthy bond there too. But maybe every relationship is.

I miss my “partner” when everyone feels the same and he would understand how I feel different. Sorry that might not sound clear at all. It’s just that I appreciate his way of living.

I am just wondering how I can judge my relationship with my “partner” when i do not know what healthy is.
I feel very lonely.
I appreciated that I felt like I belonged somewhere, in “his” life. I wonder if he after all only wanted to care for me and take for me.
What if my destructive thoughts from my child hood and so on are destroying a good thing.

You see my ex boyfriend – I never had these doubts, I was sure I wanted to be with him, why? I felt such a strong emotional closeness with him, I felt at home. But then we did not share many other things. And with my “partner” now it is almost the opposite. And my ex became obviously abusive but I still wanted to be with him.

What if I can not tell healthy from unhealthy and what if i am making relationships unhealthy?

I long to move back to home country, to live closer to my old friends. But I am scared that I will not like it. It feels like I lost the connection with why I am staying where I am.

Did I put much strain on my relationship to my “partner” – did I want answers he could not answer. Why did I long so much for somethings and someone else – when I might not even want it. Could I have been blind of what I really had?

Anita, just as you say the hurt little girl inside – I wonder what she wants. Sometimes I can hear her. Or at least I think so.

I wonder why I have a hard time with taking responsibillity over it. Does she wants to do music, or does she want to study psychology, does she wants a nice little job with enough money to get by, what does she want. I wish I was younger facing these facts. I fear over the future. See I feel like without my “partner” I won’t be able to do music anymore – I would stop believing in music at all.

Best wishes,

Ann