Dear Anita,

Thank you that gives me a goo idea where to start – It’s easy to go into panicking mode when I think about all the things at ones.

See my exboyfriend was really sweet in the beginning but then he started to display behaviours like:

Wanting to be with other girls (but I could not be with other men)
Wanting to have sex even if I didn’t feel like it and accused me of being non sexual (he wanted sex 3 times a day)
He followed me and guy friend to see what we were up to.
He said that I’ll never find someone like him
He said that other where cute when I was sitting there, in a nasty way
He wanted to marry me because he did not trust me. And I said yes. But I changed it to no. I could not marry someone on those basis.
I remember once when I had a little procedure done at the hospital and I chose not to have my boyfriend with me at that time, I thought I was fine, when I came out he was so angry at me for thinking that I did not love him. I was still quite frightned over the small procedure that was done so I just cried.
See my boyfriend sometimes described himself as a sociopath – he was extremely charmning – and maybe I should have listened to that.
I am just wondering if I am looking for someone with that charm. If the only guy I have ever been so in love with is sociopath how can I ever trust my feelings.
The list of his behaviour that I kind of excepted went on and on.

But do you know what I did – I tried to understand everyone one them so I could change and adapt. But when I no longer could he left me. That was the hardest part – he left me when I should have left him. He had a terrible childhood and I thought he could develop and grow from that -but he started to resent me when I tried to help him, It was almost like I’ve seen his inner secrets.

My “partner”: This is when it gets hard. See I can not remember as much – it’s hard to remember day to day behaviour. But I have felt something every day – though it might only have been my feelings. Sometimes the “big events” can speak for the small every day life things.

I remember when we were recording my musc video – I can remember that I had to go outside I wanting to cry. Call me oversensitive or not but he was acting really demeaning. One of his friends even went up to me and said remember this is your music video so you can decide.
I felt smaller than him, like I did not know anything.

The same when we were recording my songs for the first time – I do not know why but I did not have much say at all in anything of the production. Of course he has done music longer than me but it was my songs. The end product of my songs were great but I could not hear that they were my songs. He got really angry when I tried to tell him this – that I wanted a bigger voice in the production- and accussed me of hating the songs. I remembered me how much time he put done on it (which I am aware of and grateful for)

The time I fell pregnant and phoned him after 4 hours after finding it out. He redirected the focus on him and his problem (the mum of his daughter, which he do not like, was calling him) and I felt hurt. See it is different with his hurt becuase he do not understand.

After the abortion when he left me in car for such a long time, not understanding the pain I was going through. And I do not need anyone to completely understand but I found it really hard.

Or cuddling with my best friend on the floor in the middle of the night and not saying sorry it – saying I was overreacting and so on.
He did eventually say sorry.

Anytime I tried to share my feelings and so on all I get is a defensive voice than minimize my feelings.

There is constant invalidation of me so therefor as I look up to him I do not know what is wrong and right.
I am starting to think my behaviour is wrong.

Now when we where on a break – he used guilt in form of that I have let his family down and so on. He gave me ultimatums that if you do not come back you’ll never see me or the cat ever again, he wanted me to book a fligth home about five times. I was very open about how I was feeling and in the end he drew the conclusion that everything is my fault and that I must be depressed. That’s when I thought I was going mad.

When we walked through this beautiful park – he walks only with his phone – I usually walk by myself. I like walking by myself. But here’s the thing – I am adapting to the way he is instead of actually knowing what it is I want (does that make sense) BUt are you not meant to adapt to someone. I ask him if he could deal with the matter later but he always have excuses, always. And makes me feel bad for asking him about it. It becomes my fault. And I feel guilty.

I blame myself for feeling these things about him – and sometimes I found myself wondering why I did all this.

In 3 years I can not remember once when he hasn’t decided for us when to go to bed.

It can soon become very hostile between us. Before I went home this time, I remember I was messaging to my sister on the phone and he was leaning over to see who I was writing to and looking at the computer. He was saying how happy I can be with them and not with him anymore. Which is absolutley fine. It’s just the way he says it.
¨
I feel disrespected by the tone and sound of his voice. He tells me it’s just how he speaks – fair enough.

He said that I should be grateful for everything he done for me – payed all accomodation, driven me everywhere, taking me with him to places. It’s funny how he put words to the feeling I’ve felt through the relationship – to be grateful.

See Anita I have felt things during this relationship I can not put my finger on – guilt, grateful, hurt, smaller. And some many times I do not know why. I am thinking it might be because he is 10 years older I might feel inferior all by myself. I do believe that when you meet someone on the same wave length it is all easier.

See I am met this man before my “partner” and after my ex boyfriend. I can not forget him still – it felt like we got along so well, we shared a whole week together (although) it went way to fast. He just reminded me to much of my ex and was scared that he would leave me. I still think about it – what if I chosen him (silly thought I guess) But I felt like we were on the same wavelength and instead of him coming in and taking over in my life he was looking at it admiring it.

See the things with my partner is probably fixable. But why do I feel like a bird in the cage when I am with him.

I longed for a partner to share my thought and feelings with – is that just a dream – am I being to impractical in life. HAve I not grown up yet.

I remember when I was with his parents on holiday to Italy he was acting really strange in the company of his parents. He was acting like a child wanting his mum to take care of him. That is not behaviour directed at me though.

I have a sense that many things needs to be directed back to him. Many times in the relationship I have thought that he is not very interested in me. But maybe that is a misunderstandning. And that he has the quality to redirect things back to him – such as a good a really grade on my essay which I was over the moon by and when I told him he said you should thank me about it (a joke that did not sound like a joke). Another time when I woke up with a soar tummy in Italy, in the end of the after noon he had the most soar tummy ever and was playing out in front of his mum. I wonder if that is just a feeling I get.

When he is ill – he get 100 times more ill than he is.

I got confused in the end of the relationship to think – it all comes down to practical things and connection it’s not really important. I can not recall a single time we have not fought when we have had alcohol. And myabe I am the one starting them. See I become really honest which is not always a good thing. It feels like I have been wandering in the dark for so long confused about my life – and I wanted to talk to him, but he does not listen he wants a solution – which is lovely, but it is not always helpful.

Many times when I have cried he has looked at me saying what wrong with you in a nasty way. It gets me thinking, maybe there is something wrong with me. This is the behaviour his parents do to him which he hates.

The thing that has always confused me the most is his relationship to his daughter. I remember her saying to me that her father always sits on his phone. And it is very true. When we eat he sits on his phone, when we watch a film, when we go for walks, when we are on a holiday. Always. And he complains to me that I am never in the here and now. I kind of feel left out. BUt see the point is when he is not on the phone we don’t really have anything to talk about.

Am I not being understandable enough. Other couples sit on the phone all the time. Why am I raising questions that might be unnecessary.

I remember cleaning his whole house because my sister was coming to stay – and all I got was that I ruined the whole place (he has severe OCD so maybe I am not taking that in to consideration) and he said that I was to stressed just because my sister was coming – but I said that I just wanted everything to look nice. even only for him and me. See when I moved in there he had no hot water in the shower and snow was coming in through the windows – so I am not asking too much in that kind of sense.

So everythings I felt has been dismissed. I do not care if someone have weird habits, everyone does. I think it’s the problem that I do no feel safe of sharing mine.

Once he said that I am only talking about myself all the time – so I stopped. It really looks like it’s hard for him when I talk so I am not doing so that much anymore.

See I figured I really do like him and I have been trying really hard to fit in. BUt I think I just had enough before christmas.

I remember him having sex with my friend even if I left the room. I remember him saying that it was the best orgasm he has ever had when it was us three – and that really hurt me – and when I raised the question the day after he said that he could not remember and that he did not want to talk about it and that of course he couldn’t say that he did not enjoy it. I can not help to think he always initiated it but maybe he was jealous because I was with another woman. See I did not mind doing this – it was just that we never spoke. I could not speak about it. I thought they got along so much better than me and him or even me and her. Here is where my friends behaviour came in- she was really dismissive and ignorant to me but towards him it was very different. My friend constantly was comparing me and her in a really hurtful superficial way. It felt like my friend wanted what I had and I wanted to get out of it.
See my jealousy grew in an unhealthy way back then. Maybe it was my fault. I rememeber that they had a lot of contact on facebook and I it was mainly because of work – she was drawing pictures for his label. But when I told him that I felt uncomfortable about it and asked if it was only work he said yes. But jealous as I was (which I do no agree with) I looked through his phone and he had been writing to her more that he had with me when I was away on a holiday – from what he had been eating to other stuff. It was almost to say they were in a relationship just as much as we were. As we never had intercourse throughout this time either really. He never seemed to want it.

I can not seem to let this go. But I should – and i ask myself why I can’t. It is things in the past. I was the one that had to call him after six months of it going on to say I could not do this anymore. And he agreed. And a few months after that I found them cuddling each other on the floor and I was overreacting.

I lost contact with my friend that day and a few months after that. She stayed down the stair the whole morning and after noon and I was upstairs crying. When she sent me a text and asked if I could come down the stairs I did. I just said that I was really hurt and that she should leave.

She started to send me emails saying that I should have known better (really vague ones) that she can not seperate her feelings from sex. I understood her but felt hurt by her emails. I was the one initiating contact after this but whenever we met each other whe acted really strange. But we are friends know because of my initiation.

I remember after my I broke up with my ex she did not want to be there for me as much as she though I betrayed her when I got together with him. We lived together with another girl and they were both (mostly my friend) trying there best not to include me in anything.

So there I was hurt, alone when I found my partner.

I can see know looking back that I did spend a lot of time with my boyfriend – and that was a mistake. BUt I was still almost home every evening with her.

Sorry this was a really long message. I am not sure where that leaves me in understanding where I have been mistreated. I do stand up for myself when I feel like it – it is how it get met when I do. My problem is that I want to understand everyone else when they do hurt me. I have no clear boundaries as I can understand why people would treat me the way they do and it might not have anything to with me at all. That’s why I get along with most people and I accept them for who they are.

Best wishes,

Ann