David, Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me. Just the fact that you took the time really warms my heart. I have actually been looking into learning transcendental meditation and I also practice yoga and you’re right about how being active can change the state you are in emotionally. I know I don’t really want to die and I know that life can be so beautiful. It’s just hard to stay strong just because I feel like I’ve been trying for so long, but I know this is all a choice, it’s just that I let my ego really take over and I sulk in all the sadness because frankly it’s easier. But I know like I know that when I decide to be strong enough to overcome it I’ll think “wow, that was easy, why didn’t I do it sooner?” I know the suffering just isn’t necessary…. but I don’t feel it. You know?
My current circumstances really aren’t bad. They’re actually very good. I’m just not able to appreciate it all. I’m tired of sulking and I’m tired of the self-sabotaging behavior. I know that this is all that stands in the way of my own empowerment and happiness. It’s all me. I know it, I’m just stubborn and it’s so difficult to accept.