Crissy,
So sorry that you had to go through all of that. its not fair. I don’t come from similar situation but my mother is a wonderful but very tough woman. She always tells me and my sister to look within before blaming others. When I was little and if I came home bloody because some boy pushed me, she will say “what did you do to provoke him?”. recently, I went through a devastating break up where the man just broke up with me few days before a planned trip. Again, my ma’s first response was, “what did you do to him?” she never hears my cries and sadness in my voice. But stubbornly enough and after 30 years of not saying anything, I sat her down and told her how I felt. To my surprise, she understood. I have been in therapy for a few years now for various issues, self esteem, self hatred, anger issues and always “self blame”. It helps a lot. I have actually started seeing a psychiatrist lately as well. she is very holistic and we are going towards a good path to find out if there is anything I can take to manage my emotions. I tried anti depressant but it wasn’t for me. I am more of a exercise and eat right kind of person. Any who, what I am trying to say is that please try everything you can to manage this devastating feeling of betrayal and depression. No one can relate to your pain cause its yours. We can all give you every advise in the book but eventually you will have to decide what you want to do. Please do not hurt yourself or anyone else cause its not worth it.
Another big part of my healing process is volunteering. When you see a sick or handicap child smile, you know that you are very lucky cause you don’t feel the pain this tiny, beautiful creature is feeling. Special Olympics organization does a great job of recruiting volunteers. When I see a special child hit a ball or run around the bases in their soft ball game, something in my heart melts and says “this is the most beautiful site in the whole world”. Please try to volunteer for people you can help. You can probably be a great role model for abused youth. Even in your “bad” times, you seemed like a very smart woman and a good person. don’t ever loose that!
A good person is what you are!!

love and lots of good wishes

S