Sapnegi,

I’m sorry that the flood is producing a feeling of drowning, it can be disorienting to say the least! Pema Chodron has a great book called “When Things Fall Apart: Heart advice for difficult times” which is great at answering some of those questions. It is very practical as well as helpful, and she writes in a way that is very accessible.

Sometimes when we are overwhelmed it isn’t enough to mouth the words “I love you sapna” over and over. We have to look inward at how beautiful we are and begin to appreciate ourselves. When we are in pain this can be difficult, so our friends and spiritual family help us to remember and see. We have the courage to open up and ask for help, and do our best to remain open to the love that is sent to us through our family. What a blessing the sangha becomes!

This sounds like a very fertile time, and it is important to be patient with yourself! The long term goal is to move all of that love and devotion you gave to him inward, so you become your own greatest love and advocate. From that place, we are fountains of loving bounty… but it takes time to get there. Buddha said that it was much like the unfolding of petals of a blooming flower.

To provide the conditions for that flower to bloom, we need patience. We can provide light to the flower by seeing truth, by being aware of who we are and what we do. We can provide water to the flower by self-nurturing, or doing loving things to our body. Then it is a matter of consistency, where each day or each moment we walk through the garden of our body and spread love and light.

You know what it was like to love him, and the actions you did to show him that you love him. So, perhaps you can do that for yourself! Don’t just mouth “I love you”, but follow up the words by acting loving toward sapna. She deserves and needs that from you!

With warmth,
Matt