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Changing the way you think….where to start?

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This topic contains 8 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Sapnap3 6 years, 2 months ago.

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  • #38311

    Sapnap3
    Participant

    I wrote about my ex breaking my heart a few days ago. It was a life changing experience for me as I thought I would spend my life with this man. He broke my heart and chalked it up to us not getting along, having many differences and it getting too hard (LDR…immigration is a bitch). I am trying very hard to find the lesson in this experience. maybe, its too early but If I don’t focus on myself, I focus on our memories and cry like a baby. I still cry and don’t sleep or eat well. I still feel angry, betrayed and duped as till the day before he shattered my heart, he was saying he loved me. We had vacation plans for NYC and Chicago 4 days before he broke it off. Oh ya, he has also moved on. I know there were warning signs in the relationship and I ignored them. I know we fought a lot and I couldn’t really talk freely with him as he thought I was very “negative”. I tried to walk away from the relationship many times but every time it was the same old story “We are made for each other. I love you. You are my everything”. I know that I was staying because I rather be with him than alone. I know I loved him way more than I loved myself. I know I was giving more than he. But I stayed. Now when I am reflecting on all these things, I am finding it very hard to figure out where to start. I know I should love myself enough to walk away when things don’t feel right. I know I shouldn’t keep thinking about someone who doesn’t love me. I know I should keep saying “I love you sapna” to myself over and over again. I also put many personal and home improvements on hold by choice because of him and I have to get those done too. On top of all of this, I also keep thinking “what if?” what if I didn’t ask him so many questions? what if I acted differently and did suspect him? what if gave in more?
    Does anyone have a manual on this? does anyone know where to start? I miss him so much that it hurts my insides. He was in my soul and I thought he was my soul mate. Where should I begin? Also, I have been taking this medicine called Lamictal for my depression and anxiety symptoms. does anyone know anything about that? please help. I am drowning and I know I don’t deserve this.

    #38333

    Matt
    Participant

    Sapnegi,

    I’m sorry that the flood is producing a feeling of drowning, it can be disorienting to say the least! Pema Chodron has a great book called “When Things Fall Apart: Heart advice for difficult times” which is great at answering some of those questions. It is very practical as well as helpful, and she writes in a way that is very accessible.

    Sometimes when we are overwhelmed it isn’t enough to mouth the words “I love you sapna” over and over. We have to look inward at how beautiful we are and begin to appreciate ourselves. When we are in pain this can be difficult, so our friends and spiritual family help us to remember and see. We have the courage to open up and ask for help, and do our best to remain open to the love that is sent to us through our family. What a blessing the sangha becomes!

    This sounds like a very fertile time, and it is important to be patient with yourself! The long term goal is to move all of that love and devotion you gave to him inward, so you become your own greatest love and advocate. From that place, we are fountains of loving bounty… but it takes time to get there. Buddha said that it was much like the unfolding of petals of a blooming flower.

    To provide the conditions for that flower to bloom, we need patience. We can provide light to the flower by seeing truth, by being aware of who we are and what we do. We can provide water to the flower by self-nurturing, or doing loving things to our body. Then it is a matter of consistency, where each day or each moment we walk through the garden of our body and spread love and light.

    You know what it was like to love him, and the actions you did to show him that you love him. So, perhaps you can do that for yourself! Don’t just mouth “I love you”, but follow up the words by acting loving toward sapna. She deserves and needs that from you!

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #38348

    lucia
    Participant

    Hi Sapnegi,

    I totally agree with what Matt has written to you for advice. You need to love yourself. I know where you are coming from, I was there almost a year ago. I went to see a therapist to discuss my feelings and thoughts, it helped a lot to hear what she said, which is basically everything said in Matt’s response. I found talking to friends and seeing friends helped a lot, going to yoga classes, basically doing things that I love to do. Now is your time to work on you. Have you heard of Christine Arylo? She has two books out: choosing me before we – great book, kinda helps you figure things out about yourself and relationships; the other is madly in love with me – this book is awesome! it has exercises to help you learn to love yourself again. 🙂

    Definitely take it one day at a time, the antidepressant should help lower the intensity of your thoughts so you can do your work to get better. It isn’t an easy journey, but you can learn a lot about yourself and what you want out of life now. Do something that you love to do. Take care of yourself, be your own best friend.

    Hang in there!

    Lucia

    #38377

    Sapnap3
    Participant

    Thank you both. I appreciate the loving and kind words.
    Sapna

    #39073

    anyone
    Participant

    hi there,

    Reading your story was like re-living my own break up. I was dating the LOVE OF MY LIFE or so i thought. We met 3 years ago and our first date was as cliche as it sounds: MAGIC. We connected so well- great conversation, same interest in terms of music and travel, and the thrill of living life like its an adventure. I had never met any guy i clicked so well with. Anyhow, fast forward three pretty awesome years later, he moves to another state for work and i move later to be with him. It was tough to move to another state because i had never moved away from home but i was ready for the challenge and after 4 months of a long distance relationship we felt we needed to be together again. I seriously thought that i was going to marry this man. Yes! we had our fights and we realized that we didn’t have so much in common but the love we felt was strong enough to keep us together or so i thought. He broke up with me 3 weeks ago saying that we just weren’t working out anymore, the passion had died, and that i didn’t challenge him enough. Now i must say that both him and i have screwed up in the past and there was always a feeling deep down inside of me telling me that i needed to be on my own because i had self issues i needed to fix. But foolishly i ignored putting myself first and thought that the relationship would fix me. But on the contrary it made me lose myself. I was willing to do anything for the which meant forgetting about myself and putting his needs first. When i started the relationship i was 23 and on the verge of discovering who i really was but then i met him and my self development took a break. I was learning how to love myself without having anyone tell me that they did. I was a very insecure kid growing up and unfortunately i carried this until my adult years and into relationships. So back to the break up- this absolutely shattered me the first few days were rough like you said- no sleep, food or peace! After the breakup i realized that i did so much to make it work, i mean i put the relationship first and forgot about me- yes this was stupid because now i realize that in order for a relationship to work: it all starts with yourself. One must truly love every inch of themselves without needing compliments from others to value yourself. Self love is the greatest love because from that stems love for others and vice versa. I often times ignore my gut telling me that i was putting too much into the relationship without getting much back from him. All in all what i did to help me get through this break up is i realized that it failed because it wasn’t true love when it is your other half will not leave you behind, you both will make it work not just one person. I’m taking this time to get to know myself again, i was turning negative at the last few months of the relationship because i was not happy. The relationship totally consumed me. Now it feels great to focus on myself again and do the things i love. I’m finding myself again taking time to do all the things i always wanted to do. I think you should take this time to empower yourself and create the best you. The you that doesn’t need a man to tell you that your are beautiful, smart and incredible. You need to feel those things from within. I still have my sad moments where i think about him but one thing that keeps me going is reminding myself that ” whats meant to be will be”. This breakup happened for you and i for a reason it is up to you to choose to make that reason a positive one. Believe me i know your pain, i felt lost and helpless also unworthy. But here i am deciding not to give up on myself or life. There are so many great experiences to be felt the relationship did not and will not define you. Do the things you love sapna and love will follow. I hope i helped you in one way or another.

    #39082

    Sapnap3
    Participant

    Thank you so much. I have to say that our stories are very similar. I was also getting to know myself when I met my ex. My radiance is what drew him in he said. I wasn’t in love with myself when I fell in love with him. But for now I have decided to take a break from dating even casual dating. I actually don’t go anywhere where I can get hit on 🙂 …when I asked my ex if he ever loved me…he said of course…,you are beautiful. That’s all. All my love ..my heart …my mind meant nothing to him…just the outside beauty. As u know, for someone with low self esteem, its a slap on the face. I mean we dated for a year and a half and u only stayed for the beauty?
    U are absolutely right about true love. I witness it around me everyday. I have witnessed it in my life…my friends…my family. They stay with me through the good and bad times. I know one day I’ll find a man worthy of me and my heart. I know I’ll fall in love with me eventually.
    U seemed to be an amazing girl. Please keep the journey of self discovery going. No one can define us. Let me sign off with a quote from Carrie Bradshaw 🙂 ….maybe some women are not meant to be tamed…maybe they just need to run free till they find someone just as wild to run with 🙂

    #39339

    anyone
    Participant

    I’m glad to hear that you are striving to keep going! Same here the ex told me when we broke up ” i will always be attracted to you” and i thought that was the most awful thing he could say. He didn’t really value my other qualities. But the past is the behind now and I am focusing on myself. I love that quote by Carrie Bradshaw as i think its very much relates to me. Lets keep on remembering what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger . I also can’t wait to fall in love but this time with myself. I am not dating for a gooooodddd while as well. Next time i get into a relationship i want to be secure with myself as this will lead to a good relationship with the RIGHT person this time.

    enjoy the path that you have embarked as it can only bring you back to you! 🙂

    #39353

    E
    Participant

    Lol, I hear you both on this my ex said when he was done he was done but that it was fun….I just think my focus has been on the words spoken and that I keep revisiting his words and actions…need to wake up and smell the coffee cuz it is what it is and If he was that cruel with showing both in a very negative way he did us both a favor in the end…I also think I keep focusing on him possibly already in a relationship, etc….hate that he is still center of attention in my eyes and we aren’t together anymore.

    #39554

    Sapnap3
    Participant

    E,

    Sorry i didn’t see your response. I know that you are doing better now (i read your other replies to my sad forums). i am proud of you and you should be very proud too. you are such a strong woman and the schmuck that didn’t see what he had is a complete loser. this is all and all his loss. I know that we have to focus on ourselves now. what i love about all the women in this site is that, we all took an awful thing that happened in our life and are now turning it positive for us. We are also taking the time to encourage loving ones self in everyone on this site and beyond. We are some amazing women and the man that gets to spend his life with us will be a very lucky man.

    You know in Hindu culture when one gets married, you take the 7 circles around the fire, one of the promises you make to one another is that, “i will be your best friend all your life”. I have to remember that because my ex was never my friend. He hated the fact that i called him my best friend because he said “i was his girlfriend and his lover”. friend was a secondary term for him. One thing i know for sure is that when i choose to move on and be in a relationship again, ill make sure that i befriend the man before i get involved romantically. This is and has been a very painful experience for me but the best thing that it has done is got me looking at myself. I always thought of myself as “victim” but i am not. all of this happen to me because of me. What my ex did is his problem. That is a reflection on him not me. I think even if i was the best girlfriend in this world, he would’ve still walked out on me. I am glad this happened now and not in a few years. I get the chance to find out who i am.

    This is still a work in progress but i have some of my foundation laid down. I still wake up thinking of him but its not as bad as before. I am finally laughing wholeheartedly and its ok if i still cry every day. what’s important is that, i am not crying all day. baby steps. 🙂

    Thanks everyone.

    P.S – E you can email me at sapna84@hotmail.com if you need to talk.

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