Hello,
Well it seems as if you have already made a hell for yourself in your mind. I am somewhat of a religious person and consider myself to have an amazing relationship with God, but I too have made so many mistakes in my life , mistakes that religion say will banish you to hell, but that is just the scary side of religion , where they show how mean and frighting God can be. But that isnt the beautiful side of it, if you look deep into your religion you will see how beautiful and forgiving He is, trust me , He has already forgiven you, but you have not forgiven yourself for what you did. We are only human, in my religion they teach us that God has more mercy on us than a mother would have on her newborn child, so I’m sure he has forgiven what you have done. So what you made a couple of mistakes? He’s always waiting for you to return to him with open arms. And they say that He waits and hopes that one day you will return to him . Stop researching and looking for the scary side of the religion , the part that I think a lot of people tend to exaggerate about , this is not how it is suppose to be. And there is no such thing as you are damned to Hell. You are still alive, still breathing , still able to make a change, so He has still given you a chance to change and become a better person and to find your true self. We all make mistakes thats how we learn and grow , it takes a very strong person to be able to change and make themselves better and I believe you have that in you . Try listening to Joel Osteen on youtube , he doesn’t speak of the scary and frighting parts of the religion that fill you up with guilt, he talks about the love of it and how amazing it is. Think of Him as your best friend , thats how I talk to him , every time I pray I feel as if I am calling Him to talk to Him about all the problems I have,thank Him for everything and if I have done anything that would upset Him , I would ask for forgiveness and expect Him to forgive me, because that is a promise He made to us and then I would never repeat what I did again. and I for one can promise you this , He hears you every single time . Just try to start fresh with Him , try listening to more uplifting people, if you can get your hands on ” A pocketful of promises for Women” that would help alot because it is a very beautiful book that makes you feel so loved and cared for from Him
Good luck and I hope I helped , if you have any questions let me know . We are all in this together 🙂