Carl,

You ask some great questions! I’m very impressed with the amount of self awareness you have, as you’ve noticed how you’re bouncing between different experiences (such as giving up and why and the feelings). I know it seems overwhelming and depressing in this moment, but there is always a path to joy.

It seems like your main error is you are only getting nourished by success. This might be a very old pattern, or a parent who only expressed love when you did well. I’ve seen others in the same boat (I struggled with it as well) and have some words about what to do.

The first thing is to accept that failure is inevitable. Edison, for example, had far more failures than successes. Failure is ripe with information, ways to do things differently, and the chance to improve our skills. Even Buddha tried for years to find the cause of suffering from many, many teachers… and its said that it was only after he failed and gave up that he attained enlightenment. Failure is not bad, it is part of learning.

So, if we are destined to fail time and again, how to we maintain esteem? My teacher told me that confidence rooted in approval was doomed to erode, because we aren’t perfect. However, we can begin to generate authentic confidence that is unshakable. This confidence is rooted in our intention.

If we intend to improve our life, our skills, our minds (which you’re already doing) then we do naturally get better. We jump in, and as we succeed and fail, we realize that we’ve been pouring our heart into each moment. We struggle, feel icky, feel great, fall down… over and over, but that heart has been beating, moving us onward with each moment… always growing and learning. Once we respect that, the confidence quickly grows because you know.

For instance, if you attempt the “act as if” principle and notice the difference, you won’t need to succeed in anyone’s eyes. You won’t need testimony. You’ll know. You’re already aware of your emotions and actions, so as you watch them improve, you’ll know you’re doing the do… growing and changing.

In my opinion, counting breath meditation is very helpful with anxiety. Consider youtubing “jayasaro counting breaths” for a simple technique.

With warmth,
Matt